Things are not what they seem

I'm the type of girl who'll go out in the middle of the night just to enjoy the first fresh snow of the winter. I'm also the type of girl who'll give a snowball to someone as a present. Especially when I realise I've lost my keyes...

Yeah, I did that last night. I was supposed to just go play in the snow, but I decided to take a walk too. By the time I was planning to turn back home I started to look for my keyes, couldn't find them, and kinda panicked. Miss Bunnyhopp was happily sleeping, and I didn't want to wake her up, cause her back still hurted. What did I do?

All in all, I walked 6km in the snow to see my ex. The walk took me about an hour and a half, but I was already kinda halfway there. No, I did not plan it, I had just started walking, and had already picked the route back home. But not being able to find my keyes made me panic, and I knew he was still up. So I made a cute little snowball and just kept walking.

The snowball wasn't very cute by the time I got there (neither was I). He took me in for the night, and we talked. Well, once again, he talked, and I cried my eyes out. I slept on his sofa, well, I tried at least. I stayed up most of the night, and finally fell asleep in the morning. He took me back home around noon, and no worries, my keyes are safe. I spent the rest of the day with Miss Bunnyhopp watching Supernatural and eating. I'm stuffed, and it makes me sick...=(

Why does all this still hurt me so much? Why is it so hard for me to let go? Because I still had feelings for him, feelings I denied from everyone, especially him, even myself. Our relationship was rocky, and it got too hard for me too handle. Nevertheless, I was still 100% convinced we'd end up back together. When I finally realised it was too late...it broke my heart.

I feel like a fool. What we had was unique. A cliché, but it's true for me. I went through so many "firsts" with him (one of them being living with a guy, others I'll leave to your imagination, however dirty it may be....) and he was the only guy I could really be myself with. I trusted him more than anyone in my life. He helped my through the hardest time of my life when my sister died. He held me in his arms through those countless nights I cried after her. And for that I will always love him.

"If you love them, set them free..."
Why is it so hard to do the right thing? Why do the good guys have to suffer? Of course I want him to be happy, even when it's not with me. I can't say I harbour any hard feelings against the girl either. Somehow I see myself in her. She's in the same position I was two and a half years back, getting to know this really great guy who's been hurt by someone he loved so much...

I just wish it wasn't my heart that got smashed into millions of pieces in the process... I may try to put on a brave face in public, even with Miss Bunnyhopp, but when I'm alone... I cry myself to sleep. I just wish the pain would go away... I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up until it didn't hurt anymore... Why do I have to pay the price?

P.S. Let it be known I don't even like winter. I just love snow; the world doesn't seem like such a bad place when everything's covered in pure, white, soft, perfect snow...