You didn't want me

I'm officially depressed now. The doctor was very nice, I was expecting to see a male doctor, but to my relieved surprise she was a woman. I told her the basics, said that from what I remember, the medication I had a year ago didn't really work for me, so she prescribed me something else. And something to help me sleep, so yay...

Unfortunately the new pills were quite expensive, so they better be good... Grr! I start them tomorrow morning, and the sleeping pills tonight. I just wish I don't turn into a zombie cause of the meds...

The doctor told me that the medication would take about two weeks to kick in, and if I had more suicidal thoughts, I should just go to the ER and they would admit me in the hospital psychiatric ward for a few days, to help me get through the worst days. I wish I had done that Friday evening, last weekend was hell...

My phone rang when I got home, and now I have an appointment to see a mental health nurse (depressiohoitaja) on Monday. I was told I need to make an appointment myself, but I guess the doctor contacted the nurse and she then contacted me to make sure I would actually set a date for my first visit.

I was going to get the swine flu vaccination today as well, but it meant a 2-3 hours wait, and I really didn't feel like standing outside in the cold, especially since it's been trying to rain....yeah, the lines really were that long.

I'm tired. Did manage to scrape in about 6 hours of sleep last night, so yay...

I keep feeling anxious. I know I have a ton of things to do, if I just started them, but I don't feel like it. Don't feel like doing anything. My room is an absolute mess, and I need to wash my sheets and do other laundry as well. I also need to try out basic patterns for a skirt and pants, and focus on my school project, but fuck that. I keep sitting by the computer, listening to music and searching for new artists. I wish I could dance... It might make me feel better both physically and mentally, but a) there's no room here, b) my downstairs neighbour would have a fit (I live in an old house, I don't need to be an elephant to make a lot of noise) and c) I can't even dance... I'm so in love with EBM, especially everything melancholic, and it just makes me want to dance my heart out...

I did manage to do the dishes today, so yay for me. Now if only I'd try to clear the floor and shake my ass while doing it...;) Unfortunately just looking around me brings my already blue mood crashing down. =(

NP: mind.in.a.box - Change

I've liked this song for a while but only today looked into the lyrics more. Now I absolutely love it... See for yourself.

and I will never see the truth,
this is not a matter of my youth.
I do not need anybody else,
bonds would put my mind into cells.

and I will never know I was wrong,
never listen to those truly strong.
I do not fear anything that's not me,
ignorance is the ultimate key.

but I wouldn't want to live like this forever.
but change myself? never, never!
the very thought sends shivers down my spine.
I'm sure everything, everything will be fine.

I am the one who cries out at night,
for somebody to change my very core.
not sure why I live in endless fright,
doomed to love only myself forevermore.

I am the one who has no real friends,
shallow people flocking to my banner.
always trying to make easy amends,
cherishing my own overbearing manner.

life - always fragile.
I will never change.
love - always fleeting.
I will never change.

life - always fragile.
I will never change.
love - always fleeting.
I will never change.

but I wouldn't want to live like this forever.
maybe I really was too clever.
but I wouldn't want to end like that.
I would die lonely and incredibly sad.

I will never drag myself out of this,
the shadows of my past bogging me down.
feeling lost in turmoil and crisis,
my face forever set in an endless frown.

I have been hurt beyond mental repair,
thence destined to suffer eternal damnation.
no one can be there for me to care,
but without I will never find salvation.

lust - always empty.
but I will never change.
death - always tempting.
but I will never change.

lust - always empty.
but I will never change.
death - always tempting.
but I will never change.

everything is about control.
I must never slip, nor ever fall.
anything is possible for me.
I must never doubt, and finally be free.

and finally be free.