It's all about the "he says - she says" -bullshit

I cannot remember when I've last been this pissed off. I have been cussing like sailor all day. I think it's a combination of me feeling really ill and weak, and having forgotten my anti-depressants too many mornings in a row, and the fact that Mr. Insanely Tall turned out to be a real douchebag, and I'm angry that he managed to hurt Miss Bunnyhop.

Yeah, I've been lazy with my blog too. I was so bummed out about not being able to use my camera, so I didn't feel like posting anything either, especially since transferring pictures from my cell phone to my laptop was such a pain in the ass. But now my camera is back! Or more like, the battery charger is back, my dad was able to fix it. ^^ Hooray!

I've been sick for two days now. I don't feel like eating, I feel nauseous, weak, dizzy, and my arms and hands keep feeling numb. I think I caught a bug somewhere, and then me having neglected both my asthma and depression meds is adding up to the cocktail. In short, it sucks to be me right now.

I had a really fun Saturday though, I asked my mom to help me make a dress form, cause I can't afford to buy a real fitting doll. We ended up shopping and then talking for quite a long time, and eventually didn't have the energy to start the dress form. Instead, I made Miss Bunnyhopp try out the project this morning, but it turns out, it wasn't the best idea when we're both feeling under the weather... We managed to start it to a degree, but eventually I had to be cut loose, cause I felt like I would pass out. I think I'll still be able to continue working on the same one once I feel better.

The sweater was half-off, and I spotted the bag in Anttila a week or two ago, and I've been longing for it ever since...mom was kind enough to get it for me! Love!

I haven't been doing much lately, the same old same old. When I couldn't do anything fun yesterday, I went trough a lot of my stuff and found things I didn't even remember I had. Since it was pretty clear I wouldn't use a lot of the stuff before, I put most of it up for auction at huuto.net, and already sold some of the stuff. ^^ I've been continuing on that today, and have almost listed everything.

I need to spend tomorrow on my school projects, since I skipped school and had a nice nap instead. I was happy to discover I was feeling much better after I woke up, and even managed to avoid the usual nap headache I tend to get for sleeping during daytime. The first evaluation for the project is on Wednesday, so I need to have everything ready by then. I've got the basic pattern ready, I just need to draw the adjusted ones, make a couple more sketches, and fill out all the paperwork.

Oh, I would've gotten a summer job at Atria again this year, but I wouldn't have been able to start there until mid-June, so I had to turn it down. I'm hoping I've left Assjoki behind me by then, so I would've only been available for a couple of weeks anyways. I really wish they'd read the applications instead of just looking for familiar names...-__-

Okay, I guess that's all for now, I think I'm going to head back to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

P.S. I've really got quite a talent at cropping pictures so that it seems like I'm a fat duck. *heart*

PPS. My nose is massive, thanks for noticing.

Hollow like my soul

It really does hurt, seeing what could have been happen to someone else. I've been having these dreams, you see, about him. None of them very nice, only one I can really care to remember, and even thinking about that makes me blue. What if there's another one waiting for me when I close my eyes?

I miss him, I don't even know why... We used to talk daily for some time, I liked those conversations whether they be long or short. It pains me to know they've ceased. Why do I feel like I've been burned so badly? Is it because I really tried my hardest this time but still ended up with nothing? No-one else can see how badly I suffer because of this, I cry alone in the dark of night. I have no interest in relationships anymore. All I have is my friends, what's left of them.

~Emilie Autumn - Hollow Like My Soul~
You think that you'll get by
You will die
You will cry
When you think that you'll survive
Just don't try
Run and hide
My eyes are hollow like my soul

Just as I was walking by
My soul died
My heart cried
When you think that you'll survive
Just don't try
Run and hide
My eyes are hollow like my soul

Maybe tomorrow is a better day

I did my eyes with the Models Own powder eyeshadows I bought last week. I used Metallic Lavender and Neon Blue, with black eyeliner and black mascara. It's nothing special, but at least you can see how nice the colours are, quite pigmented and all.

I didn't go to school today, I'm still a little under the weather, and just can't get interested in things. People keep stalking my blog even though things didn't work out with Mr. Boogieman and I, and it weirds me out a bit. I'm trying to make it sound like everything's okay even though it's not, and I don't even know why I bother. I've got two men interested in me (well, one of them is Mr. Monkey, so I don't know whether to count him in or not...), but I just can't get interested in them. I don't want to fall for anyone, I don't want to fall in love. Feelings suck. I had a crush on Mr. Boogieman, I was disappointed, and I let myself down.

I don't want to play this game anymore.

One with misery

All this time while I've been moping in bed feeling blue, Mr. Boogieman has been chatting up new girls. I feel like shit and I don't even have anyone to talk to, since Miss Bunnyhopp left to meet Mr. Insanely Tall again. I'm home alone, slightly drunk, but too puffy-eyed to go out and find a total stranger in the bar to come home with.

Guess what the stupid part of all this was? I was planning on attending Mr. Boogieman's birthday party all sexed up in the spirit of "this is what you're missing out on". Already decided on an outfit and hair and everything, but now that I noticed he's invited this new girl, I'm pretty sure I won't go there just to torture myself...

I miss Miki-chan, I miss my Siamese Twin, I miss having someone to hold me when my heart is breaking...I feel so lonely I could die... The fact that I've forgotten to take my antidepressants the past couple of days isn't making it any easier. I want to wander out into the cold, dark night and just lie down in eternal sleep in all that beautiful white snow...

Sleepwalker

Wow that last post was really angsty...O_o Well, I've had my chocolates & chips -fix now, so it's all good. ^^

I didn't do pretty much anything yesterday, and I planned to continue on the same lines today. It's too damn cold to go outside. In fact, it's so cold our water pipes are frozen, and we don't get any water in the bathroom. I'm glad I managed to get my hair dyed yesterday, when there was still enough warm water for a shower!

My hair is all black now, and I look really odd, cause I've always had at least some part of it lighter. I got so tired of maintaining two colours in my hair that I decided to dye my bangs as well. Maybe this will also help me get rid of that 'emogurl17yrsold' -image people have of me...*sigh*

I'm thinking I'll try and grow my hair long again, I miss having it long. My hair is really thin though, especially now after the dreads, so it might look a bit sad. =( Oh well, I've still got two long-haired wigs if all else fails.. ;)

I've been sleeping a lot. I feel like a bear. *heart*

About me and Mr. Boogeyman...well, there is no nor will there be an 'us' there. I tried, but maybe I remained too detached...I don't know. The spark was missing, that much I know. My Dark Prince is still out there.

No One There

Happy New Year, may your shitstorms recede ever so slightly in the following 12 months.

Warning, I'm having a Sentenced -day, the first sign that things aren't going so great.

Jyväskylä was fun this time too. I had a very pleasant New Year's Eve, and all-in-all a good time. I saw Avatar, which turned out to be an awesome movie. Quite predictable, but the whole movie just blew me away. I've been craving for those feline teeth ever since (and even more for someone with teeth like that to just sink them in the back my neck...purrr! *heart*).

I came back to Seinäjoki with Miss Bunnyhopp and her dude Mr. Insanely Tall, who was kind enough to drive us back. I've been a fat little shit since Xmas, and the 3 of us ended up going to Hesburger and for a drink before he headed back. Urgh.

On Monday it kept snowing the whole freaking day, and I wandered after Miss Bunnyhopp around the city going either "I'm dying" (my stomach hurt really bad for some reason) or "Fucking asshole!" (ya I don't care to elaborate...). The fact that it was really cold and snowy didn't help either. I did manage to buy some stuff that made me feel a little better, but all in all, I had a really shitty day.

Last night I was prepared to go to bed early, so I would wake up early in order to be ready for the gym with Miss Bunnyhopp. However, I ended up crying myself to sleep and didn't want to wake up at all. I even played with the idea of just popping a sleeping pill one after the other each time I'd wake up. No, I'm not saying I wanted to kill myself, I'm saying I wanted to sleep for the rest of the week. Miss Bunnyhopp woke me up twice though, at first she was trying to figure out what happened, and then the second time when she brought me my mail. I got the birthday gift I had purchased Sunday evening. What a laugh.

Today I've been moping in my bed, eating chips and chocolates, watching movies, swearing my ass off, screaming, and atm I'm crying at my desk. Fun. I thought I was done crying over men, but apparently I was wrong.

So to all you little stalkerbitches out there, who've got nothing better to do than writhe in other people's pain: I'm still alone, and still unhappy, and my life's still shit. Enjoy.

P.S. I took the dreads out yesterday. Feels weird, and it was even more weird taking them out, half of the shit that came out of my head was dust. Yuck.

Monkeys and bunnies

Sorry for the late update. It's not that I've been busy, quite the opposite. Miss Bunnyhopp and I didn't get invited to a birthday party and I'm kinda miffed about it. Mainly because of the missed opportunity to see more than one friend at a time. =/

Miss Bunnyhopp and I spent 70 minutes at the gym yesterday, but didn't really spend any time swimming. Too tired, my legs had turned into spaghetti by the time I got to the pool. After that we went and had chinese food, but since we didn't order from their lunch menu, we had to pay full price. I was really annoyed by that because it didn't use to matter before, but for some reason now they've changed their policies I guess. The meatballs were still good, so no complaints. Yes, I had meatballs at a chinese restaurant, and they were fantastic!

It was interesting, on that same trip we both bumped into our exes, and only one of those was awkward. MBH's ex is completely avoiding her these days (he owes her money and refuses to pay up, whiny bitch) and me as well. My ex was just heading for some lunch with a friend when we met him. It was interesting to see him again, I haven't seem him since the snow thing, and haven't really talked to him after that either. I have to say, I no longer imagine we could still fix things and be together. For now I'm just mourning what we had, but hopeful that our friendship can still be repaired. It is too soon for me to see him with this new girl though, but I'll get there. ^^; This time history will not repeat itself!

Yesterday evening Miss Bunnyhopp took over my bed, stared at my stuff and then said we could make monkey bags. For those of you who don't know me, I have this big black monkey skeleton bag that my sister bought while visiting me in Japan. It may not sound like it, but it's in fact really cute. Miss Bunnyhopp had some white PVC, and said she wanted to make one, so we started drawing out the skeleton pattern and cutting the PVC.

This morning I went to the health care center to get the swine flu vaccination, and I was preparing for another 1-2 hour queue. I was happily surprised when I got there, there weren't too many cars, and no queue outside. No visible queue inside either, and when I got to the waiting room, there were only 5 people before me. (^_^)/ I got the seasonal influenza shot as well, so I have tiny bandaids on both of my shoulders. xP The piggy one hurts a little, but nothing else to report about that. If I wake up tomorrow with a snout, then I suggest you not to get the shot...

I didn't even get around eating breakfast after coming home (I was in a hurry once again, so left home without eating), since we headed out to the fabric store to get black fabric for the bags. We didn't manage to find any adjustment buckles though, so I'm not sure what I should do about the shoulder straps. My bag is going to be a cat, well, more like a tiger, and I'll put two shoulder straps on it to make it a backpack. The original monkey one only has one.

I'm surprised my muscles aren't too sore yet. The only ones that hurt are the ones I'm sitting on. xP My arms are a little sore, but that's mainly because of the shots.

Nothing special for makeup today, the same old basic style. I don't know how I should adjust my pictures, cause the black looks gray and you can't really see the white in the inner corners either. =(

Oh and depression wise today wasn't so great: I was cutting the fabric in Miss Bunnyhopp's room, I had my contacts on, I realised I can't see close all too well. There was also a really strange smell coming from the neighbour's appartment, and I just started feeling anxious. I managed to pick up what was happening when my breathing got really uneven and fast. I tried to take deep breaths and I got up, went to get some apple juice and sat on the living room sofa for a while, just breathing. It helped, and the anxiety passed. I just haven't felt all that great the rest of the day. =/

Especially when I tried to play with MBH's bunny (She really does have one, a white fluffy lion bunny. It growls.) and she just kept hopping away from me. In the end she was poking my hand asking me to pet her some more, so all was forgiven. ^^

Evolved

Gyah, I need my daily dosage of Supernatural, but I've already caught up to date...T_T Oh well, luckily there's a new episode on tomorrow. ^^ Oh no, I'm turning into a fangirl! T__T

I had my appointment with the mental health nurse today. I poured her the major facts of my life, she said I've been through a lot, and that she would like to see me a few times more. So I'm going back next month, and I have to take a few photographs with me so we can discuss them.

I also have a check-up with the doctor next week to see how the meds are working for me. So far I can say it's good. I sleep better, my appetite is back, and my suicidal thoughts are gone. I still feel somewhat anxious at times, and I'm defitinely not a 100%, but I'm getting there.

Miss Bunnyhopp has been sowing all day, and I feel kinda bad I haven't done advanced any of my sowing projects, but I'll catch up tomorrow. We're heading to the gym again, both really determined to lose weight and tone down. At least we have a mutual goal, even though she weighs about 12kg less than I do atm...T__T I just can't keep a diet...I wish my appetite was still gone. =( I also plan to go through my stuff and try to sell whatever I don't use, need or have an emotional attachment to. So far I've only listed a couple of plushies, a skirt, and some tiny junk. You can see what I have for sale here.

I had an energy drink today, for the first time in months, and I really felt the effects. It's weird, I take these pills to help me sleep, and now I take an energy drink to stay alert. xP I ran some errands today, so it was okay.

Oh, I'm really excited: I bought a Lip Service hoodie last night, a used one, I hope it's the right size. I also hope Miss Bunnyhopp doesn't kill me once she finds out I bought another Lip Service hoodie and a minidress too, from the same collection she has stuff from...it's not my fault she saw them first, and it's not my fault I happened to stumble across them for a bargain...they're new, so if they don't fit me, I can always sell them, Lip Service happens to have excellent resale value...^^

I should clean up my room again, I'm too messy even though I've tried to tidy up after myself. =(

Ooh, I managed to find a picture of my makeup the day my camera died, I got like one decent shot before the batteries ran out.

Imagine

12-hour nights seem to be a standard now. O_o Shame I can't get to bed until around 1am...

Haven't eaten anything but crap today, so I need some real food tomorrow. Too much chocolate and chips and shit, no wonder I'm such a fatty. =(

Today's been weird, but kinda fun. Miss Bunnyhopp and I've been acting like freaking 15-year-olds, running around the house giggling and teasing each other about boys. xP She's been talking to this one dude and stressing about what to say to him, so she kept bugging me for help. Like I'm one to help, with my relationships going haywire as it is...-__- Anywho, I've been sharing my intel with her, and hey, it got her the dude's number, so it can't be all bad...;P

I got me to drag my own and Miss Bunnyhopp's butt to an anime club meeting this evening, since we're flat-ass broke and I'm not really supposed to drink right now. Girl's gotta find some entertainment tho...xP We didn't actually watch any of the anime, nor really act social with people, we just talked and giggled with Mr. Pirate, a friend of ours for two hours. [Sorry dudes, if I don't know what you like to be referred to here, I'll just make it up. xP] That was a lot of fun, and it feels great to laugh again.

We got back home in time to watch Bones, and after that I've just been a computer mushroom. Shame I didn't take any pictures of myself today, I wore very simple makeup, and this really cute short black skirt Miss Bunnyhopp lent me. Well, actually, the skirt will be mine for a few euros, but meh.

Those of you who know me might have already spotted that I like to use song titles or lyrics as the topics of my posts or to describe how I feel. I love music, and I don't really care what genre it falls into as long as it awakens emotions in me aka I like it. I've never been good with with words, especially spoken, since I don't want people to see my true emotions. I'm scared of what they will find if they look deep into my eyes. I fear that they will see this lonely little girl sitting in the dark, fading into shadows...and they'll take one good look at her and walk away.

I'm lonely. All I really want is to be loved. But it's not easy for a broken girl.

I'm not fine, I'm far from it. But one day I will be better, and I'll be able to truely love and accept love again. Until that day...I'll continue to dream. It's all I can do, for now. Dream...

Kaamos

I slept about 12 hours again, and have been feeling sleepy all day. Not as bad as yesterday though, I seriously felt like "Wake me up when I'm done saying 'duuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..' ...".

I made it to school, where I kept giggling at things with Miss Bunnyhopp, and tried to work on my gansta top, until I realised my patterns don't match and got annoyed. We left school after seven, which is really early, but couldn't be helped.

I fell asleep on the sofa while watching C.S.I., and when I went back to my room to watch it from my computer (my darling comp is so smart, it knew to save the show for me *heart*), I fell asleep again. I did remember to take my sleeping pill before finally falling asleep for good, so yay...

No contacts or makeup today, I haven't gotten anything done, just slept late, watched TV, ate a lot of stuff... I had the munchies and I've been crawing for something all day, but I still haven't figured out what I really wanted. I tried pizza, chips, soda, liquorice, chocolate, pudding... Everything fatty, and still haven't figured out what I really wanted. Annoying.

Fell asleep a couple of times today, but only for short periods of time. I can't help it, it's like I'm storaging up on sleep after being sleep-deprived for some time. It would be fine if I didn't have this project I need to do... After all, I love sleeping...^^;

I've felt a little bit better today. In general I've just been feeling lonely, missing my friends, and longing for a hug.... I miss having someone I can just crawl next to and cuddle. =(

Guard my sleep

I'm feeling really groggy right now. I took the pill to help me sleep around midnight, but stayed up almost until 1am. After that I've just been sleeping and sleeping... Woke up a few times though, the freaking tiny pill upset my stomach...grr!

I'm glad it works, not so happy about feeling like I could just sleep the rest of the day as well, until it was time to take another pill. I need to go to school this evening, I haven't gotten anything done, and it's already 2pm...

Not really sure what I'll do at school today. I can't really move forward with my project, cause mom doesn't have time until Friday. Maybe I'll try to work on my Lip Service -inspired gansta top, I don't know if my pattern even fits me....

Should probably hit the store and go find something to eat. If only I didn't feel like crawling back to bed again...so sleepy... And cold. It's like the heater in my room doesn't work properly. Grr!

You didn't want me

I'm officially depressed now. The doctor was very nice, I was expecting to see a male doctor, but to my relieved surprise she was a woman. I told her the basics, said that from what I remember, the medication I had a year ago didn't really work for me, so she prescribed me something else. And something to help me sleep, so yay...

Unfortunately the new pills were quite expensive, so they better be good... Grr! I start them tomorrow morning, and the sleeping pills tonight. I just wish I don't turn into a zombie cause of the meds...

The doctor told me that the medication would take about two weeks to kick in, and if I had more suicidal thoughts, I should just go to the ER and they would admit me in the hospital psychiatric ward for a few days, to help me get through the worst days. I wish I had done that Friday evening, last weekend was hell...

My phone rang when I got home, and now I have an appointment to see a mental health nurse (depressiohoitaja) on Monday. I was told I need to make an appointment myself, but I guess the doctor contacted the nurse and she then contacted me to make sure I would actually set a date for my first visit.

I was going to get the swine flu vaccination today as well, but it meant a 2-3 hours wait, and I really didn't feel like standing outside in the cold, especially since it's been trying to rain....yeah, the lines really were that long.

I'm tired. Did manage to scrape in about 6 hours of sleep last night, so yay...

I keep feeling anxious. I know I have a ton of things to do, if I just started them, but I don't feel like it. Don't feel like doing anything. My room is an absolute mess, and I need to wash my sheets and do other laundry as well. I also need to try out basic patterns for a skirt and pants, and focus on my school project, but fuck that. I keep sitting by the computer, listening to music and searching for new artists. I wish I could dance... It might make me feel better both physically and mentally, but a) there's no room here, b) my downstairs neighbour would have a fit (I live in an old house, I don't need to be an elephant to make a lot of noise) and c) I can't even dance... I'm so in love with EBM, especially everything melancholic, and it just makes me want to dance my heart out...

I did manage to do the dishes today, so yay for me. Now if only I'd try to clear the floor and shake my ass while doing it...;) Unfortunately just looking around me brings my already blue mood crashing down. =(

Another sleepless night

I went shopping with Miss Bunnyhopp before school, but didn't really find anything besides a stretchy headband and a purple Wet'n'Wild Mega Liner. I did have a really greasy icky donut at Arnold's though, cause MBH wanted a muffin and refused to get one without me.

We had an info day at school, about our skills demonstration projects, and I decided that even though I haven't really learned most of the basics, I'm going to try and scrape up a project this winter. I have to do two projects to be able to "graduate" (I still can't take this school seriously...-__-), so if I get through one now and the other in the spring, I'm on schedule.

I freaking look like I'm 14 years old...-__-

The project consists of finding a client, designing an outfit for them, and then making one of the clothes you designed. For example, you design a pant suit, including a top, jacket, and pants or a skirt, and then you make one of them. Except we're not allowed to make a basic skirt, it's supposedly too simple. O__o

There's a ton of paperwork and scheduling that goes into this, and I now have a week to do the first part, which means that by Wednesday next week I need to have coloured sketches of outfits, an outlined plan of the whole process, the drawings for the item of clothing I'll be making, a customer profile etc. etc...

At least it'll keep me busy for a while.

On another note, my lip ring started hurting again, after being ok for nearly two weeks. =( My tongue is feeling partially numb and sore as well, and I think my navel piercing is infected...=( I don't know what caused them all to react so negatively, but I really hope it goes away soon... They're really being a pain in the ass to heal! >=(

I managed to keep most of my makeup where it was supposed to be most of the day. I decided to play around with the effect powders, so today was a Gosh day.

Gosh effect powders Angelic, Bright'n'Black, and Spa
Eyebrows with Gosh blue eyeshadow
Black mascara

Had a horrible night last night (this one's not looking much better either). I was discussing things with people, and I just couldn't get to sleep. The last time I remember checking my cell phone was at 7.40am...and I woke up at noon. I just can't sleep anymore...

I kept talking things through with my ex, and it got kinda bad, I'm sad to say...=( So bad in fact, that I was anxious to run outside in my sleepwear to the nearby bridge, and jump into the icy river...it being the middle of the night there would've been nobody to stop me either.

But I want to be stopped. I'm just trying to scream out how badly I need help... Am I reaching anyone?

P.S. Happy belated birthday Mikichan. This post took forever to write.

Happy Father's Day

I spent most of the day at my parents', it being Father's Day and all. I also went through a lot of the music my sister had on her computer, and have now about 4G more music myself...(props to Halloween_Jack, I'm pretty sure that's where some of it came from...) I also deleted most of the doubles, so there's a little more free space on my dad's external hard drive now. He doesn't speak English, and it would take forever for him to go through all that, so I was happy to help.

Other than that I haven't really been happy today. It was good to see my cats again, and I talked to my brother for a bit. Mostly about what to do with our (well, mine, actually) old Donald Duck -comics. There's about 10 year's worth of them, thanks to my godfather. *insert heart here*

Mom found me my old long black wool coat. I've missed it, and I wish I'd found it in time for Tampere... Just need to fix it a bit, since the lining is mostly broken, and I've had to remove it from the other sleeve completely. I'll also see if it still fits nicely, and maybe try to take patterns from it. I need a new coat...

I've been feeling really anxious today. I know I'm not to expect hearing from anyone today, cause people are busy, but I've been staring at my phone all day... I just wish someone would call me, text me, anything... I'm lonely. I can't let my guard down in front of my parents, I really don't want them to worry about me...

I made a couple new dreads yesterday, well, I didn't wash them yet. I borrowed some of my sister's old woollen dreads to use as study material for my own dreads. So far I've done pretty good, though I use different wool.

Makeup today consisted of mascara and violet eyebrows. After yesterday's fiasco zebra face with Wet'n'Wild Mega Liner...yeah, I didn't feel like risking it.

Most of the snow is gone now, it's been raining again. =( Here's how it looked at night.

Food? No thanks.

I'm on my way to an eating disorder and the funny thing is I'm willing to embrace it...

I lost a couple kilos the past two days. No appettite. I loved how my tummy looked like this morning, all flat. Then I had some tea, and bloated up like a balloon. =( I had a kaki aka sharon fruit for breakfast. Miss BunnyHopp made pita kebab, and pushed me to eat two.

I'm fighting the urge to go barf them up. One was good, but two felt like pushing it. I feel fat, and am giving myself a hard time for eating the second one. I want to go out for a walk and even try running a bit.

Still no makeup today, I was going to open up a fresh pair of contact lenses, but I sorta forgot and don't really want to do it anymore for just a couple hours use.

I have smiled and laughed today, so a slight improvement there. I am, however, feeling really anxious all the time, and literally pushing the depression away. It just pushes back, and it's stronger than me... The later it gets, the harder it is for me. I fear the night.

Still, no tears today, at least so far. Tomorrow I might actually think about putting on some makeup, and maybe take a picture or two. I was supposed to clean up my room and do the dishes today, and I started to do that, but didn't get too far.

Oh, before I forget: Something cool happened today, of which Miss BunnyHopp and I get to be very proud of. The owner of this building had finally listened to us, and today they installed fire alarms and extinguishers in the hallway. We live in this really old spooky wooden house, and our downstairs neighbour smokes in his appartment...so it was about time. Smoking isn't allowed here in the first place, and we've been complaining about it ever since we moved here a year ago. Now there's a fire alarm right above his door, so hopefully he'll finally stop.

I have to go out now, I'm sick of sitting in one place. That's good, I guess, that I keep wanting to move. I just need a push to actually get a doctor's appointment...I'm scared.

I'm still standing

Today I thought that since I have this great urge to hurt myself, I might as well try to use it to my advantage...so when the walls started collapsing on me again, I took bathing gear with me and headed out. I walked the long road to the sports hall, and hit the gym. I didn't tell Miss Bunnyhopp, because I feel like I can't take anyone's company right now...she's mad at me now, and I'm sorry about that, but I had to be alone.

I wasn't at the gym for more than 40 minutes, but since I haven't gone in so long I figured it'd be enough to make my muscles ache tomorrow. There's was this bearded guy who kept looking at me, and I really hope it was in a curious way as to why I looked like shit with my dirty hair, puffy eyes and no eyebrows and not because he found me cute like that. -__-

After the gym I went soaking in the steam sauna, and then hit the pool. I didn't swim for very long either, the warm pool with the massaging waterfalls was reserved so I couldn't get there, which bummed me out. I could really use a massage right about now... I still felt like shit, so I went back to the sauna, realised I was alone and shed a few tears.

On my way home I stopped by the game store hoping to see a friendly face. I did, though not the one I expected. I chatted for a bit, and then went home. I stayed on my computer for a bit, and then went to bed. I ignored school completely, didn't even send my teacher a message. After maybe two hours I woke up and realised I hadn't eated anything. I still don't have any appetite, but I managed to eat two pieces of crisp bread (näkkileipä) with some water.

I had been texting with my ex and I asked him to meet me at the pier in order to say goodbye. Long story short - my eyes are even puffier now (I didn't know it was still possible) and I'm cold, but we agreed to do our best to remain friends. And I need that. I can't do this alone. I need my antidepressants back. I need help.

And I really, really hope this friend thing works out this time...he's still the person who knows me best, and one of my closest friends. I know it'll hurt like hell and nothing will be the same again. Which is why I need you guys to help me through the hard times...isn't that what friends are for?

P.S. I'm sorry for turning into such an angsty blogger, but seriously dudes...you don't even know half of it...