Hollow like my soul

It really does hurt, seeing what could have been happen to someone else. I've been having these dreams, you see, about him. None of them very nice, only one I can really care to remember, and even thinking about that makes me blue. What if there's another one waiting for me when I close my eyes?

I miss him, I don't even know why... We used to talk daily for some time, I liked those conversations whether they be long or short. It pains me to know they've ceased. Why do I feel like I've been burned so badly? Is it because I really tried my hardest this time but still ended up with nothing? No-one else can see how badly I suffer because of this, I cry alone in the dark of night. I have no interest in relationships anymore. All I have is my friends, what's left of them.

~Emilie Autumn - Hollow Like My Soul~
You think that you'll get by
You will die
You will cry
When you think that you'll survive
Just don't try
Run and hide
My eyes are hollow like my soul

Just as I was walking by
My soul died
My heart cried
When you think that you'll survive
Just don't try
Run and hide
My eyes are hollow like my soul

Carnival of rust

Biiig big cleaning day today. I went through both of my closets rearranging stuff, and I'm still not finished. I vacuumed my room before I started, I wish I could get the big cranberry rug outside and air it out for once, but it's too heavy for me to move let alone lift it on my own. I can't really wash my floor either, so I'll just have to settle for vacuuming for now. I need a man! -__-;

I've got too much stuff. I'm planning on getting rid of everything unnecessary, so that's why I started this whole project. I'm hoping to sell stuff that's still good, and stuff that isn't, I'll just donate to the Red Cross.

I had fun toying around with the three Models Own eyeshadows I didn't get to try out earlier, here's what I came up with. Yeah, ridiculous, but I didn't have to leave the house. Except I did, went to get some milk and two new metal "shelves" for my closet. Anyway, was just goofing around, not trying to create an actual look.The pictures are bad though. =(

Maybe tomorrow is a better day

I did my eyes with the Models Own powder eyeshadows I bought last week. I used Metallic Lavender and Neon Blue, with black eyeliner and black mascara. It's nothing special, but at least you can see how nice the colours are, quite pigmented and all.

I didn't go to school today, I'm still a little under the weather, and just can't get interested in things. People keep stalking my blog even though things didn't work out with Mr. Boogieman and I, and it weirds me out a bit. I'm trying to make it sound like everything's okay even though it's not, and I don't even know why I bother. I've got two men interested in me (well, one of them is Mr. Monkey, so I don't know whether to count him in or not...), but I just can't get interested in them. I don't want to fall for anyone, I don't want to fall in love. Feelings suck. I had a crush on Mr. Boogieman, I was disappointed, and I let myself down.

I don't want to play this game anymore.

Where did I go wrong?

Sorry for not being very active, I'm trying very hard to take interest in my own life...-_-;

As I mentioned before, Friday would have been my sister's 23rd birthday were she still with us. We were planning on going out to dinner, but got some donuts and chinese takeout instead. She was there in our hearts and minds, and it was nice to spend some time with my family again. My mom had just gotten a new digital camera, and I was testing it by taking pictures of our cats. I don't have any of the pictures yet, but once I get them, I'll probably post one or two.

I've got a cold again, and I've had a small fever the whole weekend and still today as well. I've gotten quite silly at times, which is always amusing to people around me. f^^;

I went to visit my cousin and her fiance in their new home in Ilmajoki on Saturday. Mom said they were going to go there since my uncle was going and the guy's parents were going there too. I wasn't too sure why everyone was going there, but I learded that it's been 4 years since they got engaged, it was on Friday the 13th of January in 2006. ^^ Surprisingly, one more family event I've missed while being away in Japan. ;P They had the most awesome cats, two orange-white boy cats called Tiku and Taku ( Chip n Dale ;) ). Tiku practically just melts in your lap once you start to pet him, so adorable! Taku was more timid, but very playful, the scratches in my arm is a proof of the fun we had together. xP

I spent Sunday just relaxing and watching movies, trying to get some rest so I can recover from this persistant flu. I managed to do my laundry and dishes too, and started drawing a pattern from my Lip Service Nano hoodie. Well, actually there wasn't too much to draw, so only the hood was missing. Not a very exciting weekend.

We walked to school on Monday again, since Miss Bunnyhopp's bike was still broken. That's okay, the walk is not actually too bad, at least when it's not too cold. I was working on the crown hoodie based on the In Vain -patterns I drew last week. I had painted a few D-rings blue, and bought some black ribbon for decoration. I was being very slow sowing the whole thing together again, so I didn't get much done, even though I stayed until the very end.

Today I attended the community college sowing class again, and kept working on my hoodie. I noticed I had brought the wrong black tricot with me, so I couldn't finish the hood. The shirt is looking pretty nice now, I need to finish the hood, attach it to the shirt, and then add the zipper and it's done. Should be finished tomorrow night. Man, I can't believe I'm such a slow worker, this really is an easy thing to do...T__T

My lip is healing nicely, I wish I could say the same about the navel piercing. =(

Here is my latest discovery, 5 powder Models Own eyeshadows from Seppälä. Neon Pink, Bright Grass, Metallic Lavender, Neon Blue and Neon Peach. I will be trying some of them tomorrow. Meanwhile, here's my today's look.

Ok, time to get some sleep.

Where were you last night

Here's a picture of me before I dyed all of my hair black. Exciting, but a good pic IMO.

I didn't attend Mr. Boogieman's birthday party, and I kinda regret I didn't. Ended up waking up at 4.30pm that day, so I wouldn't even have been able get there in time, since the last possible train was just leaving. Oh well.

I ended up meeting Miss Bubbly and her boyfriend Mr. Cool instead. Miss Bubbly and I started by taking a few random pictures, then proceded to watch 'Some Like it Hot' with some drinks until the craving for pizza took over and we had to head out. Mr. Cool accompanied us, and after the pizza we went for a drink at Rokkikellari. All the long-haired dudes there were taken, bah... From there we moved on to Bar15, and I was surprised to see the place packed with people even though there was no band. I'm starting to feel old and annoyed every time I go there, because it's filled with all these young twats nowadays, some of them seem so out of place it's ridiculous. -__-

I had fun though, and didn't even spend too much money compared to how wasted I was. Always a good thing. I headed back home after that, stayed up for a bit longer, and was just planning on getting some sleep, when my phone rang once. Mr. Boogieman. I ended up calling him back, it was weird tho. I had to make sure he got home safe before falling asleep.

I spent the Sunday half waiting for Miss Bunnyhopp, half happy to be alone. Weird.

My first ever orange makeup! Yes, I did it really quickly, and it looks peachy, but it was ORANGE! I hate yellow and orange...

School continued again on Monday, and Miss Bunnyhopp and I ended up walking there, since her bike is broken. I drew patterns from my Lip Service In Vain -hoodie, and then cut this black tricot with blue crown patterns, I'm going to replicate the hoodie. I need to spray paint some of my D-rings tho, and figure out what I'll use as trim.

The hoodie in question. The sign was weird somehow, but you can't see it from this picture. There was more than one dude in it. O_o

Tuesday started with a sore throat. My parents came to visit, and I got new mittens and socks that my mom had made. *heart* I kept babbling on about rats, if nothing else, I was left with a new-found appreciation towards the critters from my thing with Mr. Boogieman. I'm planning on getting a pair of lady ratties once an acquaintance of mine has a new litter. I love Haru to bits, but I need to face the facts, and it's almost her 2nd birthday. I'm also thinking about setting up a similar cage for the rats that Mr. Boogieman had, it's a really good solution spacewise.

I picked up the paperwork I need so that I can attend community classes for free this spring. I'm only attending one class though, one that's arranged by Miss Bunnyhopp's mom, more sowing for me. I didn't attend the class yet though, I need to plan what I'm doing a little more. Okay, I was just being tired and lazy.

I skipped school on Wednesday, cause I felt worse. I'm getting a cold again, which totally sucks ass. I think it's due to my other heater not working, my room is really cold. My bed is also next to the heater that works, so I can't have it too hot. Oh and speaking of my bed, it's fucking falling apart! The bottom boards are falling off, and the fricking thing is only one year old! Pisses me off, my first proper bed too.

Miss Bunnyhopp left for Jyväskylä again this morning, so I'm spending the weekend alone. Which is fine for me. I won't be attending the last Schatten party in Tampere, cause I can't really afford to go, and I don't have a place to stay there either. Plus everyone else is going, so I'd have to get there ridiculously early, and I hate going to clubbing when I'm not drunk. Plus I'd kinda be alone, even though some friends of mine are going.

I've been watching a lot of TV and movies, and I absolutely have to recommend 'Nurse Jackie' to everyone. Dark humour, hospital stuff, and a really cool main character. Love! ^^

I took out my second lip ring, it wasn't healing properly. I knew from the first weeks that it wouldn't end up well, but I had to see how it would turn out. Well, it turned out bad, there's a bump on the inside. My navel piercing is also doing really bad, it has grown out a little bit, and it's aching and not healing. I really don't want to get rid of it, I like it. I'm just too fat to rock it. T__T My tongue has been hurting for at least a month now, and I'm not sure why. I really hope I don't have to take it out, I've gone through too much pain to fucking give it up.

January 15th...it's my sister's 23rd birthday. We're going somewhere to eat tomorrow. I really miss her... We're also going to talk about the possibility of going to Canada this summer, since my cousin is getting married. Two of my cousins are getting married this year, an acquaintance of mine already did, and two of my friends are marrying each other. I guess I'll have to quote a Facebook group here, "My friends are getting married, I'm just getting drunk".

Got a little bored last weekend.

One with misery

All this time while I've been moping in bed feeling blue, Mr. Boogieman has been chatting up new girls. I feel like shit and I don't even have anyone to talk to, since Miss Bunnyhopp left to meet Mr. Insanely Tall again. I'm home alone, slightly drunk, but too puffy-eyed to go out and find a total stranger in the bar to come home with.

Guess what the stupid part of all this was? I was planning on attending Mr. Boogieman's birthday party all sexed up in the spirit of "this is what you're missing out on". Already decided on an outfit and hair and everything, but now that I noticed he's invited this new girl, I'm pretty sure I won't go there just to torture myself...

I miss Miki-chan, I miss my Siamese Twin, I miss having someone to hold me when my heart is breaking...I feel so lonely I could die... The fact that I've forgotten to take my antidepressants the past couple of days isn't making it any easier. I want to wander out into the cold, dark night and just lie down in eternal sleep in all that beautiful white snow...

Sleepwalker

Wow that last post was really angsty...O_o Well, I've had my chocolates & chips -fix now, so it's all good. ^^

I didn't do pretty much anything yesterday, and I planned to continue on the same lines today. It's too damn cold to go outside. In fact, it's so cold our water pipes are frozen, and we don't get any water in the bathroom. I'm glad I managed to get my hair dyed yesterday, when there was still enough warm water for a shower!

My hair is all black now, and I look really odd, cause I've always had at least some part of it lighter. I got so tired of maintaining two colours in my hair that I decided to dye my bangs as well. Maybe this will also help me get rid of that 'emogurl17yrsold' -image people have of me...*sigh*

I'm thinking I'll try and grow my hair long again, I miss having it long. My hair is really thin though, especially now after the dreads, so it might look a bit sad. =( Oh well, I've still got two long-haired wigs if all else fails.. ;)

I've been sleeping a lot. I feel like a bear. *heart*

About me and Mr. Boogeyman...well, there is no nor will there be an 'us' there. I tried, but maybe I remained too detached...I don't know. The spark was missing, that much I know. My Dark Prince is still out there.

No One There

Happy New Year, may your shitstorms recede ever so slightly in the following 12 months.

Warning, I'm having a Sentenced -day, the first sign that things aren't going so great.

Jyväskylä was fun this time too. I had a very pleasant New Year's Eve, and all-in-all a good time. I saw Avatar, which turned out to be an awesome movie. Quite predictable, but the whole movie just blew me away. I've been craving for those feline teeth ever since (and even more for someone with teeth like that to just sink them in the back my neck...purrr! *heart*).

I came back to Seinäjoki with Miss Bunnyhopp and her dude Mr. Insanely Tall, who was kind enough to drive us back. I've been a fat little shit since Xmas, and the 3 of us ended up going to Hesburger and for a drink before he headed back. Urgh.

On Monday it kept snowing the whole freaking day, and I wandered after Miss Bunnyhopp around the city going either "I'm dying" (my stomach hurt really bad for some reason) or "Fucking asshole!" (ya I don't care to elaborate...). The fact that it was really cold and snowy didn't help either. I did manage to buy some stuff that made me feel a little better, but all in all, I had a really shitty day.

Last night I was prepared to go to bed early, so I would wake up early in order to be ready for the gym with Miss Bunnyhopp. However, I ended up crying myself to sleep and didn't want to wake up at all. I even played with the idea of just popping a sleeping pill one after the other each time I'd wake up. No, I'm not saying I wanted to kill myself, I'm saying I wanted to sleep for the rest of the week. Miss Bunnyhopp woke me up twice though, at first she was trying to figure out what happened, and then the second time when she brought me my mail. I got the birthday gift I had purchased Sunday evening. What a laugh.

Today I've been moping in my bed, eating chips and chocolates, watching movies, swearing my ass off, screaming, and atm I'm crying at my desk. Fun. I thought I was done crying over men, but apparently I was wrong.

So to all you little stalkerbitches out there, who've got nothing better to do than writhe in other people's pain: I'm still alone, and still unhappy, and my life's still shit. Enjoy.

P.S. I took the dreads out yesterday. Feels weird, and it was even more weird taking them out, half of the shit that came out of my head was dust. Yuck.