Life is beautiful

Want to know how lonely I am? I asked my ex-boyfriend for sex, you do the math. *

I skipped school again today, I think I've missed every single Wednesday class this year, how cool is that? I woke up really early after a late night and a random 6:22 awakening. What's weird is that Miss Bunnyhopp had a similar experience at 4am, maybe there was a burglar in our house? O_o I had a doctor's appointment today, and she (yes it's a she again! *heart*) prescribed me the minipill. Hello future with no periods! *bigger heart* Well, at least that's what I'm hoping for. I just wish I wasn't kinda scared of doctors and confessing stuff (mostly about me not wanting to know the results of anything that could possibly be serious...) with them, I was supposed to have a pap smear test done a year ago, and it's still on hold...*sigh*

I'm trying to clean out my closets and slowly get rid of everything I don't need. I'll have to, if I'm going to move during the summer. I should also start saving money for a trip to Canada in August for my cousin's wedding. And I've still got that Lip Service pre-order coming, and I bought two lolita dresses online a week ago. -__-; It's weird, they sent me an email saying that they cannot actually make the dresses until March, and today I got another email saying they've shipped the dresses. O__o Very strange...

Miss Bunnyhopp is staying home this weekend, and is planning on taking me out to find me a dude. Well see what happens...wouldn't mind getting drunk, that's for sure.

Argh, I'm totally addicted to the song "Life is beautiful" by Sixx:A.M. at the moment, hence the title.

* He said 'no', by the way. How's that for a happy ending?

Hollow like my soul

It really does hurt, seeing what could have been happen to someone else. I've been having these dreams, you see, about him. None of them very nice, only one I can really care to remember, and even thinking about that makes me blue. What if there's another one waiting for me when I close my eyes?

I miss him, I don't even know why... We used to talk daily for some time, I liked those conversations whether they be long or short. It pains me to know they've ceased. Why do I feel like I've been burned so badly? Is it because I really tried my hardest this time but still ended up with nothing? No-one else can see how badly I suffer because of this, I cry alone in the dark of night. I have no interest in relationships anymore. All I have is my friends, what's left of them.

~Emilie Autumn - Hollow Like My Soul~
You think that you'll get by
You will die
You will cry
When you think that you'll survive
Just don't try
Run and hide
My eyes are hollow like my soul

Just as I was walking by
My soul died
My heart cried
When you think that you'll survive
Just don't try
Run and hide
My eyes are hollow like my soul

Maybe tomorrow is a better day

I did my eyes with the Models Own powder eyeshadows I bought last week. I used Metallic Lavender and Neon Blue, with black eyeliner and black mascara. It's nothing special, but at least you can see how nice the colours are, quite pigmented and all.

I didn't go to school today, I'm still a little under the weather, and just can't get interested in things. People keep stalking my blog even though things didn't work out with Mr. Boogieman and I, and it weirds me out a bit. I'm trying to make it sound like everything's okay even though it's not, and I don't even know why I bother. I've got two men interested in me (well, one of them is Mr. Monkey, so I don't know whether to count him in or not...), but I just can't get interested in them. I don't want to fall for anyone, I don't want to fall in love. Feelings suck. I had a crush on Mr. Boogieman, I was disappointed, and I let myself down.

I don't want to play this game anymore.

One with misery

All this time while I've been moping in bed feeling blue, Mr. Boogieman has been chatting up new girls. I feel like shit and I don't even have anyone to talk to, since Miss Bunnyhopp left to meet Mr. Insanely Tall again. I'm home alone, slightly drunk, but too puffy-eyed to go out and find a total stranger in the bar to come home with.

Guess what the stupid part of all this was? I was planning on attending Mr. Boogieman's birthday party all sexed up in the spirit of "this is what you're missing out on". Already decided on an outfit and hair and everything, but now that I noticed he's invited this new girl, I'm pretty sure I won't go there just to torture myself...

I miss Miki-chan, I miss my Siamese Twin, I miss having someone to hold me when my heart is breaking...I feel so lonely I could die... The fact that I've forgotten to take my antidepressants the past couple of days isn't making it any easier. I want to wander out into the cold, dark night and just lie down in eternal sleep in all that beautiful white snow...

Sleepwalker

Wow that last post was really angsty...O_o Well, I've had my chocolates & chips -fix now, so it's all good. ^^

I didn't do pretty much anything yesterday, and I planned to continue on the same lines today. It's too damn cold to go outside. In fact, it's so cold our water pipes are frozen, and we don't get any water in the bathroom. I'm glad I managed to get my hair dyed yesterday, when there was still enough warm water for a shower!

My hair is all black now, and I look really odd, cause I've always had at least some part of it lighter. I got so tired of maintaining two colours in my hair that I decided to dye my bangs as well. Maybe this will also help me get rid of that 'emogurl17yrsold' -image people have of me...*sigh*

I'm thinking I'll try and grow my hair long again, I miss having it long. My hair is really thin though, especially now after the dreads, so it might look a bit sad. =( Oh well, I've still got two long-haired wigs if all else fails.. ;)

I've been sleeping a lot. I feel like a bear. *heart*

About me and Mr. Boogeyman...well, there is no nor will there be an 'us' there. I tried, but maybe I remained too detached...I don't know. The spark was missing, that much I know. My Dark Prince is still out there.

No One There

Happy New Year, may your shitstorms recede ever so slightly in the following 12 months.

Warning, I'm having a Sentenced -day, the first sign that things aren't going so great.

Jyväskylä was fun this time too. I had a very pleasant New Year's Eve, and all-in-all a good time. I saw Avatar, which turned out to be an awesome movie. Quite predictable, but the whole movie just blew me away. I've been craving for those feline teeth ever since (and even more for someone with teeth like that to just sink them in the back my neck...purrr! *heart*).

I came back to Seinäjoki with Miss Bunnyhopp and her dude Mr. Insanely Tall, who was kind enough to drive us back. I've been a fat little shit since Xmas, and the 3 of us ended up going to Hesburger and for a drink before he headed back. Urgh.

On Monday it kept snowing the whole freaking day, and I wandered after Miss Bunnyhopp around the city going either "I'm dying" (my stomach hurt really bad for some reason) or "Fucking asshole!" (ya I don't care to elaborate...). The fact that it was really cold and snowy didn't help either. I did manage to buy some stuff that made me feel a little better, but all in all, I had a really shitty day.

Last night I was prepared to go to bed early, so I would wake up early in order to be ready for the gym with Miss Bunnyhopp. However, I ended up crying myself to sleep and didn't want to wake up at all. I even played with the idea of just popping a sleeping pill one after the other each time I'd wake up. No, I'm not saying I wanted to kill myself, I'm saying I wanted to sleep for the rest of the week. Miss Bunnyhopp woke me up twice though, at first she was trying to figure out what happened, and then the second time when she brought me my mail. I got the birthday gift I had purchased Sunday evening. What a laugh.

Today I've been moping in my bed, eating chips and chocolates, watching movies, swearing my ass off, screaming, and atm I'm crying at my desk. Fun. I thought I was done crying over men, but apparently I was wrong.

So to all you little stalkerbitches out there, who've got nothing better to do than writhe in other people's pain: I'm still alone, and still unhappy, and my life's still shit. Enjoy.

P.S. I took the dreads out yesterday. Feels weird, and it was even more weird taking them out, half of the shit that came out of my head was dust. Yuck.

And all that jazz

So Christmas came and went. Miss Bunnyhopp and I had a Moustache Xmas Party on the 19th, and everyone was required to have a moustache of some sort. It was loads of fun, and we ended the evening by going to Bar15, naturally sporting our amazing facial hair. We ended up taking a lot of pictures, but since I don't think people appreciate looking foolish in public too much, I'll just show you a picture of myself and Miss Bunnyhopp. ;P My friends are entitled to see the other pics on Facebook, so if you think you're one and can't see them, leave me a note.

I spent Christmas Eve with my family, having dinner, watching movies and relaxing. I had fun with my cats, and it was nice to just chill out with them. There was a slightly sad undertone, since this is the second Christmas we've had to spend without Sini...

I didn't do anything on Christmas Day, both Miss Bunnyhopp and I were just being lazy and bumming around the house. Miss Bunnyhopp spent Boxing Day with her family, and I spent it watching movies and TV. We did go to a birthday party that evening, and had loads of fun. I'm hoping to get pictures from that evening at some point. They had a purple-gray-turquoise cake! O_O

Prezzies! I got Sweeney Todd, Chicago, and Burn Notice Season 1. Ankle weights too! xP

My mom made me these lovely socks, and they're just perfect! ^^

I also got a bunch of sweets, and have eaten all of them by now. T_T No wonder I've gained like 4kg...T__T

I also got the cutest mirror ever! <3 style="font-weight: bold;">

Bought some movies on my own as well, 3 for 10€.

After Christmas I haven't really been doing anything, just being lazy and eating. T_T I did finally get that donut date with my ex, after he blew me off twice. *grr* It was ok, we talked for a bit, and I ate a tasty double-chocolate muffin. I love muffins. Part of the reason why I might start calling myself Lady Cupcake. *heart* After that I shopped for a bit, results of which can be found in my ealier postings.

Here's some of my recent makeups.


And here's evidence of snow. This is the house we live in, it's really old.


Yeah. Nothing much to report here. I just feel really stupid for wasting my time doing nothing. The problem is I don't really know what I want to do with my life... I want to travel, but I don't have the money, and I can't get the money if I don't work. I can't find a job, so I've got nothing to do...=( It sucks ass. I get bored and I start to overthink things. Yesterday was particularly horrible, since Miss Bunnyhopp left to meet her potential new boyfriend for the second time, and I kept feeling lonely the whole day. To make matters worse, I kept missing my sister...those days are always tough, and I didn't even have anyone to talk to.

What do I really want out of my life? I want to experience new things, see the world, go on adventures, have a good time with friends, love and be loved, leave something of me behind when my time is over...

But I've become so cynical lately that I'm not sure I even believe in love anymore...at least not for me. It would be great if there really was someone I could spend the rest of my life with, but how could that ever happen? I get tired of everything! I can't even settle for a haircut for very long, how the hell am I supposed to settle down with some guy? I wish I could have that 'falling in love' -feeling forever....I'd just need to get there first.

I'm lonely.

P.S. At least my financial situation eased up a bit, I'm not getting 200€ more per month to help me pay the rent. Yay! o/

Kryptonite

Meh. I can't remember doing much on Friday. I went out and bought chocolates and alchohol, cause I got some tax returns. I also got earmuffs, but didn't notice until today that they left the security alarm on them. -_- Need to go back tomorrow to have them take it out.

The local anime club had arranged an allnighter, so Miss Bunnyhopp went there and hang out for a couple of hours. It was fun seeing people. We had sorta planned we'd go out and go to a bar, but ended up getting pizzas and going back home watching TV. I got really tired.

On Saturday I spent the day on my computer again. ;) Then at 8pm I was told that Tony Kakko would be at Rytmikorjaamo that evening, so I got Miss Bunnyhopp interested and we started to put on some makeup and made a couple of drinks, getting ready to head out. About 45 mins later I was told that Tony wouldn't be there, but Ari Koivunen would. A few &%¤#s later we changed our plans to a girls night out, I'm not interested in nonmetal. xP

I got really wasted by the time we headed out, and we didn't go to our favourite bar Bar15 either, since Miss Bunnyhopp didn't want to see the random band there. We headed out to Karma instead. And as soon as we got in and got our coats off, I saw her, Miss Bitchy. I ignored her, and we got drinks and headed to a table. The both of us were kinda glued to our cell phones that night. ;)

Later on in the washroom Miss Bitchy confronted me and told me not to trust my ex. She also wanted a bury-the-hatchet -hug, which she got. I was way too baffled by all of this. I was hurt though, cause she seems to know a lot of things she's not supposed to know. Miss Bunnyhopp and I got some fries on the way home, and I kept laughing my ass off cause I wanted 'kurkkusipuli' in them. Can't be bothered to try and translate that.

I woke up not hung over today, yay for me. I also re-read some of the messages from last night, including the one from my ex. Then I started this big messenger war with him blaming him of revealing my secrets to Miss Bitchy and Mr. Fatso and how stupid does he have to be to keep trusting them when time after time they prove how they are not worthy of that trust. Then a couple hours later he calls me and basically begs for forgiveness. I feel really stupid, cause in a way I'm the same with him. I keep trusting him and he keeps letting me down. And it sucks, cause I really wanted us to be friends.

Another day spent at the computer. ^^ I'm having loads of fun, thanks to Mr. Fascinating. ;)