I got the fitting pants done! Took ages, but they're done. My mom also dropped by to try them on, so I'll have a general idea of what to fix about them tomorrow. And they do need fixing. =( But at least they're done! I still need to do the law assignment, and gather all the stuff in my folder. I'm really nervous about tomorrow, but I hope it'll be okay.
I've got a bunch of stuff I need to take care of next week. I'm applying for some social welfare, and I need to hand in the paperwork tomorrow so I'll get the money from last month as well. I'm living off the unemployment money, which isn't enough, so I need something to help me pay the rent. I'm also getting some tax refunds in a few days, which enables me to get Xmas presents this year. Not too many though. =(
Speaking of, I found gifts for Miss Bunnyhopp, Mr. Pirate, and one unexpected tiny gift for Miss 80s. ^^ Nothing too fancy, though I will be looking for something to add to Miss Bunnyhopp's present. But I still have four to go. =(
I'll need to make sure I get to the health care center before ten some morning next week too, since I'm scheduled for blood tests. I visited the doctor again last week, and found out that my general dizzyness is caused by my medication. She suggested that since I've been sleeping better, I cut my evening dosage in half, and then leave it out entirely. And it's interesting, after just a few days the dizzyness has become more infrequent.
Almost exactly a year ago I had a deep vein thrombosis in my left leg. The doctors said it was most likely cause by the birth control pills I was taking, since there isn't anything like this in my family medical history. They discovered no issues with my blood clotting, so it was most likely reason for such a thing to happen to me. I took blood-thinning medication for three months, and the first week I had to inject myself in the stomach around my belly button. That was painful, and I don't like to think about it. Anywho, I was told I cannot continue with the birth control pill anymore, and that my only options were condoms and copper intrauterine contraceptive devices (IUCDs). The IUCD feels really uncomfortable to even think about, so pretty much I had no options. But this week my doctor told me I can still use the minipill, so I'm thinking about getting a prescription for those. Not that I have a boyfriend right now tho...xP
I'm really tired...still working on the law assignment though. No rest for the wicked.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Blah blah blah
Argh! I'm really stressed about my school project. I finally got my patterns done today, after a really long time of thinking and calculating and correcting my lines. I also cut the fabric for the fitting pants, but didn't get around sowing it yet. I'll need an early start tomorrow morning to be able to finish them in time. Monday's the second evaluation for this project, so wish me luck.
I really hate being stressed, I start to binge eat without even realizing it. I got a bag of chips, a box of chocolates, and a box of liquorice from the store yesterday, and now... There's a nothing left, I finished the last chocolates a couple minutes ago. I'm gonna be such a fatty...T_T
Miss Bunnyhopp is starting to get excited about Christmas, but my anxiety about the whole holiday is piling up. I like giving presents in general, but Christmas is such a stressful time. I promised to send my Japanese friend an Xmas card, and I'm going to be sending one to Australia too. I love receiving mail, and am glad I've found at least one new friend from this site called Interpals. ^^ I also know what I'm getting Miss Bunnyhopp, and found something tiny for Mr. Pirate, but other than that I have no idea.
Maybe I'll make cookies! Like the ones I made two years ago. They were fun, see for yourselves. xP
I really hate being stressed, I start to binge eat without even realizing it. I got a bag of chips, a box of chocolates, and a box of liquorice from the store yesterday, and now... There's a nothing left, I finished the last chocolates a couple minutes ago. I'm gonna be such a fatty...T_T
Miss Bunnyhopp is starting to get excited about Christmas, but my anxiety about the whole holiday is piling up. I like giving presents in general, but Christmas is such a stressful time. I promised to send my Japanese friend an Xmas card, and I'm going to be sending one to Australia too. I love receiving mail, and am glad I've found at least one new friend from this site called Interpals. ^^ I also know what I'm getting Miss Bunnyhopp, and found something tiny for Mr. Pirate, but other than that I have no idea.
Maybe I'll make cookies! Like the ones I made two years ago. They were fun, see for yourselves. xP
Go away Xmas, we don't want you here!
I went shopping yesterday, and got these from H&M. Really cute black velvet shorts, interesting detail in these is that the zipper is on the side and not the front. Picture taken from the back, nice little pocket details (they are actual pockets too, and not just for show). I love them!
Angel Kitty top&panties pyjama, I wanted the black Devil Kitty version too, but couldn't afford both. Gasp, a picture of my unmentionables in the internet, what a scandal!
I wear a lot of skirts and dresses, so I need warm tights or leggins to be able to wear everything I want and still stay somewhat warm in the winter time. I found this set of gray and lavender tights thinking they'd be nice and warm, but it turns out that they're a lot thinner than they look. They are still pretty good, but not as good as I had hoped. =(
Today I bought another two pairs of tights, still not warm enough, but at least I'll have a change while last winter's warm ones are in the wash.
And here you have a picture of me with my new hair. Notice the gigantic bags under my eyes. T__T
I started drawing a pattern for basic pants yesterday, but that plan came crashing down when I realized I don't know where some of the numbers come from. I can't finish the pattern when I don't know the numbers I need or how to calculate them. =( So I haven't been able to make the fitting pants, or adjust the pattern. In other words - I'm screwed. Miss Bunnyhopp's mom is coming by tomorrow, and since she's a teacher of this stuff, she'll hopefully be able to help me figure it all out. Then I'll get the pants done by Sunday, and spend Sunday evening and Monday morning writing out answers for the questions we got on Monday regarding the law stuff. *sigh* I'm stressed out.
I'm also stressed about Xmas presents. Let it be known that I hate Christmas, have hated it for several years now. For various reasons, one of them being the commercialisation of the whole thing. I'm not into the religious bit either, I consider myself agnostic/atheist, and don't belong to church anymore. I was baptised as a baby, and I've gone through confirmation camp, but I didn't find God as a kid going to Sunday school, and I sure as hell (pun intended) didn't during confirmation. I went thorught it because I didn't realize I had a choice. There are lots of things in life I didn't and still don't understand, I'm naive and quite dumb, and religion was one of these things. Now I've made my choice and I'm very happy with it.
Christmas is too commercial. There's Xmas shit everywhere you look, and it creeps into stores already in October. I don't like Christmas decorations, all the tacky santa & elves shit give me the creeps. Bright red and gold have never been my favourite colours, and during Christmastime they make my eyes hurt. I'm more of a blue-silver kinda girl. I think white trees, dark green, blue, violet and silver decorations are okay, as long as they're used in moderation. I hate how people stick Christmas lights everywhere, it's ridiculous and looks horrible. I myself own two pairs of Xmas lights though, one set of blue stars, and a set of pink lights. The pink ones were supposed to be purple, are a year old, and have half faded into yellow. I use them in the wintertime when it gets dark, they make my room so much nicer to be in. Plus they match all the pink shit I have. I'm thinking about using the blue ones this winter though, since the pink ones are turning yellow more and more, and I hate yellow lights. I might get a new LED light set some day.
I hate Christmas carols too, they are tacky and make me feel like my brains are melting. I hate how they are played in every single fucking store you enter in December. I can however think of couple that I actually like, mostly cause they sound so sad to me. Here's one, called "Näin sydämeeni joulun teen". Here's another one "Varpunen jouluaamuna", the lyrics are really melancholic and sad. Sung by Tarja Turunen of Nightwish. And my absolute favourite, "Tulkoon Joulu".
I hate Christmas foods too. I don't like ham, I don't like liver casserole, carrot casserole, rutabaga/swede casserole, rosolli (it's made with red beets, carrots, potatoes and onion) and most of all, rice porridge. Yuck. I also hate most of the Xmas chocolates, cause they are boring and filled with crap. The ones I like include Daim, Brunberg (truffel chocolates), and Budapest (nougat? chocolates). Speaking of chocolates and Christmas, I got a Winnie the Pooh Xmas calender with chocolates in it. I don't like Winnie the Pooh (Nalle Puh) or Piglet (Nasu), nor that rabbit person (Kani), but I do love Eeyore (Ihaa) and Tiger (Tiikeri) is nice too. And Heffalump (Möhköfantti)! I haven't seen Heffalump movie yet though. =( I'll post a picture of the calendar later, I don't have one yet.
I hate not being able to get presents for everyone I want. It's also really hard to find presents for my dad and my brother. I think my list of people who to get presents this year include my family members, Miss Bunnyhopp, my ex, Mr. Pirate, Mikichan, and My Siamese Twin. So not too many presents to get. I'll make cards for others, and I have an idea for a tiny gift I can make if I have time. Boys are really hard to shop for. =( I found what I'm getting for my mom though, so that's one down, seven to go. ^^
Okay, I think I've bored everyone to tears right about now, so I guess I'll end this here.
Angel Kitty top&panties pyjama, I wanted the black Devil Kitty version too, but couldn't afford both. Gasp, a picture of my unmentionables in the internet, what a scandal!
I wear a lot of skirts and dresses, so I need warm tights or leggins to be able to wear everything I want and still stay somewhat warm in the winter time. I found this set of gray and lavender tights thinking they'd be nice and warm, but it turns out that they're a lot thinner than they look. They are still pretty good, but not as good as I had hoped. =(
Today I bought another two pairs of tights, still not warm enough, but at least I'll have a change while last winter's warm ones are in the wash.And here you have a picture of me with my new hair. Notice the gigantic bags under my eyes. T__T
I started drawing a pattern for basic pants yesterday, but that plan came crashing down when I realized I don't know where some of the numbers come from. I can't finish the pattern when I don't know the numbers I need or how to calculate them. =( So I haven't been able to make the fitting pants, or adjust the pattern. In other words - I'm screwed. Miss Bunnyhopp's mom is coming by tomorrow, and since she's a teacher of this stuff, she'll hopefully be able to help me figure it all out. Then I'll get the pants done by Sunday, and spend Sunday evening and Monday morning writing out answers for the questions we got on Monday regarding the law stuff. *sigh* I'm stressed out.
I'm also stressed about Xmas presents. Let it be known that I hate Christmas, have hated it for several years now. For various reasons, one of them being the commercialisation of the whole thing. I'm not into the religious bit either, I consider myself agnostic/atheist, and don't belong to church anymore. I was baptised as a baby, and I've gone through confirmation camp, but I didn't find God as a kid going to Sunday school, and I sure as hell (pun intended) didn't during confirmation. I went thorught it because I didn't realize I had a choice. There are lots of things in life I didn't and still don't understand, I'm naive and quite dumb, and religion was one of these things. Now I've made my choice and I'm very happy with it.
Christmas is too commercial. There's Xmas shit everywhere you look, and it creeps into stores already in October. I don't like Christmas decorations, all the tacky santa & elves shit give me the creeps. Bright red and gold have never been my favourite colours, and during Christmastime they make my eyes hurt. I'm more of a blue-silver kinda girl. I think white trees, dark green, blue, violet and silver decorations are okay, as long as they're used in moderation. I hate how people stick Christmas lights everywhere, it's ridiculous and looks horrible. I myself own two pairs of Xmas lights though, one set of blue stars, and a set of pink lights. The pink ones were supposed to be purple, are a year old, and have half faded into yellow. I use them in the wintertime when it gets dark, they make my room so much nicer to be in. Plus they match all the pink shit I have. I'm thinking about using the blue ones this winter though, since the pink ones are turning yellow more and more, and I hate yellow lights. I might get a new LED light set some day.
I hate Christmas carols too, they are tacky and make me feel like my brains are melting. I hate how they are played in every single fucking store you enter in December. I can however think of couple that I actually like, mostly cause they sound so sad to me. Here's one, called "Näin sydämeeni joulun teen". Here's another one "Varpunen jouluaamuna", the lyrics are really melancholic and sad. Sung by Tarja Turunen of Nightwish. And my absolute favourite, "Tulkoon Joulu".
I hate Christmas foods too. I don't like ham, I don't like liver casserole, carrot casserole, rutabaga/swede casserole, rosolli (it's made with red beets, carrots, potatoes and onion) and most of all, rice porridge. Yuck. I also hate most of the Xmas chocolates, cause they are boring and filled with crap. The ones I like include Daim, Brunberg (truffel chocolates), and Budapest (nougat? chocolates). Speaking of chocolates and Christmas, I got a Winnie the Pooh Xmas calender with chocolates in it. I don't like Winnie the Pooh (Nalle Puh) or Piglet (Nasu), nor that rabbit person (Kani), but I do love Eeyore (Ihaa) and Tiger (Tiikeri) is nice too. And Heffalump (Möhköfantti)! I haven't seen Heffalump movie yet though. =( I'll post a picture of the calendar later, I don't have one yet.
I hate not being able to get presents for everyone I want. It's also really hard to find presents for my dad and my brother. I think my list of people who to get presents this year include my family members, Miss Bunnyhopp, my ex, Mr. Pirate, Mikichan, and My Siamese Twin. So not too many presents to get. I'll make cards for others, and I have an idea for a tiny gift I can make if I have time. Boys are really hard to shop for. =( I found what I'm getting for my mom though, so that's one down, seven to go. ^^
Okay, I think I've bored everyone to tears right about now, so I guess I'll end this here.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Pinkamania
Just wanted to share what I made at school today, since I actually finished something. Half-finished projects ftw! \(^_^)/
A fleece shirt I started aeons ago, but finally finished (I made it way too big originally). It was supposed to have D-rings in both sleeves, but the trim I used with the D-rings was too rigid, and I ended up taking the whole thing away. The paw trim is really cute, don't you think? ^^
The pink skirt I've been talking about. It's more of a lavender pink, or as one of my ex-boyfriends would call it, pinkle. A purplish pink. The roses are brown, so I used a brown zipper. It's quite oo-la-la, and makes my butt look good. ^^
Yes, I had a pink day, I confess, I'm a pinkaholic! So sue me! T__T ...I've done so much black stuff until now, I think I'm entitled to some pink stuff for a change...
I'll post pictures of my sowing projects again once I have something concrete to show.
A fleece shirt I started aeons ago, but finally finished (I made it way too big originally). It was supposed to have D-rings in both sleeves, but the trim I used with the D-rings was too rigid, and I ended up taking the whole thing away. The paw trim is really cute, don't you think? ^^
The pink skirt I've been talking about. It's more of a lavender pink, or as one of my ex-boyfriends would call it, pinkle. A purplish pink. The roses are brown, so I used a brown zipper. It's quite oo-la-la, and makes my butt look good. ^^
Yes, I had a pink day, I confess, I'm a pinkaholic! So sue me! T__T ...I've done so much black stuff until now, I think I'm entitled to some pink stuff for a change...I'll post pictures of my sowing projects again once I have something concrete to show.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
So Much Is Lost
I've been missing Pepper Lunch, so today I thought I'd make a me-version of my favourite dish there. Mostly just because I had some pork in the freezer, and it came with a pepper butter thingy that I really want to use with rice. The pork chunks are massive though, so it'll be very different from the original, but at least I'll feel nostalgic. ^^
I've meant to write a post earlier, but I kept postponing it and now it's been two days since my last update. On Monday we spent all evening listening to law stuff, and didn't get any sowing done. Annoying. I kept undoing the seams of a shirt I've made earlier that turned out too big in the end. I managed to resow a couple of the seams on our break, but the shirt is still unfinished. I'll be finishing that one today, and making a hooded crop top.
Speaking of tops, my Lip Service clothes finally arrived. I got the Cybertronic Ragdoll Cap Sleeve Hoodie, Cybertronic Ragdoll Nano Factory Mini Dress (both brand spanking new) and the In Vain (? Couldn't find the specifics) Hoodie, which was used, but looks brand new. Love! The Cybertronic Hoodie cost me 41e+shipping, the dress 59e+shipping, and the Vain Hoodie 35e (huuto.net). Hoodies both fit perfectly, and are a size L, but the dress is giving me grief. It's an XL, and it fits nicely around my chest, but is way too lose from the waist, and the neckpiece is choking me. I may need to sell it, which I really don't want to do, or modify it to fit my needs, which I know will make people kill me for committing such blasphemous act! xP I'll see which option wins. For now, I'll lock it safely in my closet.
Miss Bunnyhopp received some mail as well, she got a whole bunch of double-ended dreads she had bought on ebay. So I spent Monday evening braiding them in her hair. We made a deal so I got to keep the dreads she didn't need herself, and I spent yesterday braiding them in my hair. I feel gorgeous again, I love having a full head of hair. I no longer need to be angsty about my own hair, which is nice for a change. It's gotten to the lenght where it keeps pissing me off, cause I need to start styling it in order to like how it looks. -__- Pain in the ass. The dreads are so much more simple, and always look nice. It'll just be a pain in the ass to dry them if we manage to squeeze in more time at the gym and the pools... It's interesting how well the dreads match my hair, since I had no idea Miss Bunnyhopp had bought them. They're mostly black/white ones with a few lilac ones mixed in. Funny how that goes. ^^
Oh and here's my makeup 3 days in a row. Monday was pink and white, Tuesday was gray, and today purple and silver. Same eyebrows in all, I just love that Wet'n'Wild lilac eyeliner pen...^^
Gah, I haven't gotten much done today. I did clean up my room and make dinner, so I guess that's okay. What I was supposed to do however was draw patterns for my big sowing project. I've got a fitting on the 30th and I haven't even drawn the patterns for the pants!
I found myself looking at me thinking 'Sini' today...not even looking in the mirror, I was making dinner and looking down at the frying pan, I saw my arms and the dreads hanging from my head and I just thought that's my sister... It's quite...confusing. I look at myself and I see her, but when I look in the mirror, she's gone. It's me again. I don't know what's happening...
"My identity is not real..."
I've meant to write a post earlier, but I kept postponing it and now it's been two days since my last update. On Monday we spent all evening listening to law stuff, and didn't get any sowing done. Annoying. I kept undoing the seams of a shirt I've made earlier that turned out too big in the end. I managed to resow a couple of the seams on our break, but the shirt is still unfinished. I'll be finishing that one today, and making a hooded crop top.
Speaking of tops, my Lip Service clothes finally arrived. I got the Cybertronic Ragdoll Cap Sleeve Hoodie, Cybertronic Ragdoll Nano Factory Mini Dress (both brand spanking new) and the In Vain (? Couldn't find the specifics) Hoodie, which was used, but looks brand new. Love! The Cybertronic Hoodie cost me 41e+shipping, the dress 59e+shipping, and the Vain Hoodie 35e (huuto.net). Hoodies both fit perfectly, and are a size L, but the dress is giving me grief. It's an XL, and it fits nicely around my chest, but is way too lose from the waist, and the neckpiece is choking me. I may need to sell it, which I really don't want to do, or modify it to fit my needs, which I know will make people kill me for committing such blasphemous act! xP I'll see which option wins. For now, I'll lock it safely in my closet.
Miss Bunnyhopp received some mail as well, she got a whole bunch of double-ended dreads she had bought on ebay. So I spent Monday evening braiding them in her hair. We made a deal so I got to keep the dreads she didn't need herself, and I spent yesterday braiding them in my hair. I feel gorgeous again, I love having a full head of hair. I no longer need to be angsty about my own hair, which is nice for a change. It's gotten to the lenght where it keeps pissing me off, cause I need to start styling it in order to like how it looks. -__- Pain in the ass. The dreads are so much more simple, and always look nice. It'll just be a pain in the ass to dry them if we manage to squeeze in more time at the gym and the pools... It's interesting how well the dreads match my hair, since I had no idea Miss Bunnyhopp had bought them. They're mostly black/white ones with a few lilac ones mixed in. Funny how that goes. ^^
Oh and here's my makeup 3 days in a row. Monday was pink and white, Tuesday was gray, and today purple and silver. Same eyebrows in all, I just love that Wet'n'Wild lilac eyeliner pen...^^
Gah, I haven't gotten much done today. I did clean up my room and make dinner, so I guess that's okay. What I was supposed to do however was draw patterns for my big sowing project. I've got a fitting on the 30th and I haven't even drawn the patterns for the pants!
I found myself looking at me thinking 'Sini' today...not even looking in the mirror, I was making dinner and looking down at the frying pan, I saw my arms and the dreads hanging from my head and I just thought that's my sister... It's quite...confusing. I look at myself and I see her, but when I look in the mirror, she's gone. It's me again. I don't know what's happening...
"My identity is not real..."
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A Day in the Life
Gah, this day will never end! And I still need to be awake at 3am, when an item I've been watching ends on ebay. Grr!
I've been really bored and in my usual Sunday blues, especially since Mr. Fatso (again, if I don't know what you'd like to be referred to, I'll make something up. And I'm not necessarily nice. I changed what I originally called you here. Be happy!) invited his friends to a spa resort to celebrate his big three-oh. Nobody's been at their computers all day, so I've just been watching everything I could get my hands on. On season 3 of Dexter now.
To take advantage of my boredom I took under a hairdye project, and after bleaching and dyeing my hair is now lavender/black. The lavender is really nice, although quite pale, so I hope it stayes a little better than Stargazer or Phantasy. I cut my bangs a little shorter, and once again feel quite weirded out that it's so short. I haven't decided what to do with the sides yet. I'm thinking I'll shave some of it completely, maybe tomorrow brings upon another change.
I also tried out a two-tone pill stud in my tongue, I bought 3 of them ages ago but still haven't tried them out. The plastic pill reeks! Even after boiling it still smelled pretty bad, luckily I can't taste it thouhg. It's not very practical either, eating is quite hard, and it feels like I have a plastic spoon in my mouth all the time. I think the barbell is a bit too long. My left arm hurts from where I was injected. I can't sleep on my left side because of the pain, my arm is really sore. Hopefully it'll ease up in a couple of days. The right one is completely fine, only if I press the injection spot it hurts. Huh, I seem to have a little fever as well, I'm not feeling it though. I'm just a little sleepy, have been all day. I've got an upset stomach, but I don't know if that's because of the shots or something else. Annoying. I smell like death.
Tomorrow is law stuff at school, but we'll have time to do some sowing as well, so I should prepare something to take with me. I'll keep the backpack as my home project for this month, as well as finishing the pink skirt, so I'm not sure what I should do. I have several unfinished projects waiting, so maybe I should just pick one of those up, but I don't really feel like it. I feel like starting something new.
And yeah, I need to draw the patterns for the pants next week, and make the proto pants, since we scheduled a fitting for the 30th. I don't even know what I need to have prepared for the second evaluation, but I guess I'll just ask tomorrow. The finished pants need to be handed in December 16th, that much I do know, but for the second evaluation...no idea.
I really feel like sowing, but it's nearing midnight, so I really can't. Maybe tomorrow morning. Also need to clean up my room, my floor has gotten quite messy. I have this matress cube sitting around in the living room, and I think I might bring it in here to use as an extra chair to put my clothes in at the end of my bed. I'll see about it tomorrow.
Btw, I've fallen in love with my Elegant Minerals Vanilla & Oatmeal Facial Bar, it makes my face squeaky clean. *heart* >
And once again this post took me like 4 hours to write...
I've been really bored and in my usual Sunday blues, especially since Mr. Fatso (again, if I don't know what you'd like to be referred to, I'll make something up. And I'm not necessarily nice. I changed what I originally called you here. Be happy!) invited his friends to a spa resort to celebrate his big three-oh. Nobody's been at their computers all day, so I've just been watching everything I could get my hands on. On season 3 of Dexter now.
To take advantage of my boredom I took under a hairdye project, and after bleaching and dyeing my hair is now lavender/black. The lavender is really nice, although quite pale, so I hope it stayes a little better than Stargazer or Phantasy. I cut my bangs a little shorter, and once again feel quite weirded out that it's so short. I haven't decided what to do with the sides yet. I'm thinking I'll shave some of it completely, maybe tomorrow brings upon another change.
I also tried out a two-tone pill stud in my tongue, I bought 3 of them ages ago but still haven't tried them out. The plastic pill reeks! Even after boiling it still smelled pretty bad, luckily I can't taste it thouhg. It's not very practical either, eating is quite hard, and it feels like I have a plastic spoon in my mouth all the time. I think the barbell is a bit too long. My left arm hurts from where I was injected. I can't sleep on my left side because of the pain, my arm is really sore. Hopefully it'll ease up in a couple of days. The right one is completely fine, only if I press the injection spot it hurts. Huh, I seem to have a little fever as well, I'm not feeling it though. I'm just a little sleepy, have been all day. I've got an upset stomach, but I don't know if that's because of the shots or something else. Annoying. I smell like death.
Tomorrow is law stuff at school, but we'll have time to do some sowing as well, so I should prepare something to take with me. I'll keep the backpack as my home project for this month, as well as finishing the pink skirt, so I'm not sure what I should do. I have several unfinished projects waiting, so maybe I should just pick one of those up, but I don't really feel like it. I feel like starting something new.
And yeah, I need to draw the patterns for the pants next week, and make the proto pants, since we scheduled a fitting for the 30th. I don't even know what I need to have prepared for the second evaluation, but I guess I'll just ask tomorrow. The finished pants need to be handed in December 16th, that much I do know, but for the second evaluation...no idea.
I really feel like sowing, but it's nearing midnight, so I really can't. Maybe tomorrow morning. Also need to clean up my room, my floor has gotten quite messy. I have this matress cube sitting around in the living room, and I think I might bring it in here to use as an extra chair to put my clothes in at the end of my bed. I'll see about it tomorrow.
Btw, I've fallen in love with my Elegant Minerals Vanilla & Oatmeal Facial Bar, it makes my face squeaky clean. *heart* >
And once again this post took me like 4 hours to write...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Monkeys and bunnies
Sorry for the late update. It's not that I've been busy, quite the opposite. Miss Bunnyhopp and I didn't get invited to a birthday party and I'm kinda miffed about it. Mainly because of the missed opportunity to see more than one friend at a time. =/Miss Bunnyhopp and I spent 70 minutes at the gym yesterday, but didn't really spend any time swimming. Too tired, my legs had turned into spaghetti by the time I got to the pool. After that we went and had chinese food, but since we didn't order from their lunch menu, we had to pay full price. I was really annoyed by that because it didn't use to matter before, but for some reason now they've changed their policies I guess. The meatballs were still good, so no complaints. Yes, I had meatballs at a chinese restaurant, and they were fantastic!
It was interesting, on that same trip we both bumped into our exes, and only one of those was awkward. MBH's ex is completely avoiding her these days (he owes her money and refuses to pay up, whiny bitch) and me as well. My ex was just heading for some lunch with a friend when we met him. It was interesting to see him again, I haven't seem him since the snow thing, and haven't really talked to him after that either. I have to say, I no longer imagine we could still fix things and be together. For now I'm just mourning what we had, but hopeful that our friendship can still be repaired. It is too soon for me to see him with this new girl though, but I'll get there. ^^; This time history will not repeat itself!Yesterday evening Miss Bunnyhopp took over my bed, stared at my stuff and then said we could make monkey bags. For those of you who don't know me, I have this big black monkey skeleton bag that my sister bought while visiting me in Japan. It may not sound like it, but it's in fact really cute. Miss Bunnyhopp had some white PVC, and said she wanted to make one, so we started drawing out the skeleton pattern and cutting the PVC.
This morning I went to the health care center to get the swine flu vaccination, and I was preparing for another 1-2 hour queue. I was happily surprised when I got there, there weren't too many cars, and no queue outside. No visible queue inside either, and when I got to the waiting room, there were only 5 people before me. (^_^)/ I got the seasonal influenza shot as well, so I have tiny bandaids on both of my shoulders. xP The piggy one hurts a little, but nothing else to report about that. If I wake up tomorrow with a snout, then I suggest you not to get the shot...I didn't even get around eating breakfast after coming home (I was in a hurry once again, so left home without eating), since we headed out to the fabric store to get black fabric for the bags. We didn't manage to find any adjustment buckles though, so I'm not sure what I should do about the shoulder straps. My bag is going to be a cat, well, more like a tiger, and I'll put two shoulder straps on it to make it a backpack. The original monkey one only has one.
I'm surprised my muscles aren't too sore yet. The only ones that hurt are the ones I'm sitting on. xP My arms are a little sore, but that's mainly because of the shots.
Nothing special for makeup today, the same old basic style. I don't know how I should adjust my pictures, cause the black looks gray and you can't really see the white in the inner corners either. =(
Oh and depression wise today wasn't so great: I was cutting the fabric in Miss Bunnyhopp's room, I had my contacts on, I realised I can't see close all too well. There was also a really strange smell coming from the neighbour's appartment, and I just started feeling anxious. I managed to pick up what was happening when my breathing got really uneven and fast. I tried to take deep breaths and I got up, went to get some apple juice and sat on the living room sofa for a while, just breathing. It helped, and the anxiety passed. I just haven't felt all that great the rest of the day. =/
Especially when I tried to play with MBH's bunny (She really does have one, a white fluffy lion bunny. It growls.) and she just kept hopping away from me. In the end she was poking my hand asking me to pet her some more, so all was forgiven. ^^
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Evolved
Gyah, I need my daily dosage of Supernatural, but I've already caught up to date...T_T Oh well, luckily there's a new episode on tomorrow. ^^ Oh no, I'm turning into a fangirl! T__T
I had my appointment with the mental health nurse today. I poured her the major facts of my life, she said I've been through a lot, and that she would like to see me a few times more. So I'm going back next month, and I have to take a few photographs with me so we can discuss them.
I also have a check-up with the doctor next week to see how the meds are working for me. So far I can say it's good. I sleep better, my appetite is back, and my suicidal thoughts are gone. I still feel somewhat anxious at times, and I'm defitinely not a 100%, but I'm getting there.
Miss Bunnyhopp has been sowing all day, and I feel kinda bad I haven't done advanced any of my sowing projects, but I'll catch up tomorrow. We're heading to the gym again, both really determined to lose weight and tone down. At least we have a mutual goal, even though she weighs about 12kg less than I do atm...T__T I just can't keep a diet...I wish my appetite was still gone. =( I also plan to go through my stuff and try to sell whatever I don't use, need or have an emotional attachment to. So far I've only listed a couple of plushies, a skirt, and some tiny junk. You can see what I have for sale here.
I had an energy drink today, for the first time in months, and I really felt the effects. It's weird, I take these pills to help me sleep, and now I take an energy drink to stay alert. xP I ran some errands today, so it was okay.
Oh, I'm really excited: I bought a Lip Service hoodie last night, a used one, I hope it's the right size. I also hope Miss Bunnyhopp doesn't kill me once she finds out I bought another Lip Service hoodie and a minidress too, from the same collection she has stuff from...it's not my fault she saw them first, and it's not my fault I happened to stumble across them for a bargain...they're new, so if they don't fit me, I can always sell them, Lip Service happens to have excellent resale value...^^
I should clean up my room again, I'm too messy even though I've tried to tidy up after myself. =(
Ooh, I managed to find a picture of my makeup the day my camera died, I got like one decent shot before the batteries ran out.
I had my appointment with the mental health nurse today. I poured her the major facts of my life, she said I've been through a lot, and that she would like to see me a few times more. So I'm going back next month, and I have to take a few photographs with me so we can discuss them.
I also have a check-up with the doctor next week to see how the meds are working for me. So far I can say it's good. I sleep better, my appetite is back, and my suicidal thoughts are gone. I still feel somewhat anxious at times, and I'm defitinely not a 100%, but I'm getting there.
Miss Bunnyhopp has been sowing all day, and I feel kinda bad I haven't done advanced any of my sowing projects, but I'll catch up tomorrow. We're heading to the gym again, both really determined to lose weight and tone down. At least we have a mutual goal, even though she weighs about 12kg less than I do atm...T__T I just can't keep a diet...I wish my appetite was still gone. =( I also plan to go through my stuff and try to sell whatever I don't use, need or have an emotional attachment to. So far I've only listed a couple of plushies, a skirt, and some tiny junk. You can see what I have for sale here.
I had an energy drink today, for the first time in months, and I really felt the effects. It's weird, I take these pills to help me sleep, and now I take an energy drink to stay alert. xP I ran some errands today, so it was okay.
Oh, I'm really excited: I bought a Lip Service hoodie last night, a used one, I hope it's the right size. I also hope Miss Bunnyhopp doesn't kill me once she finds out I bought another Lip Service hoodie and a minidress too, from the same collection she has stuff from...it's not my fault she saw them first, and it's not my fault I happened to stumble across them for a bargain...they're new, so if they don't fit me, I can always sell them, Lip Service happens to have excellent resale value...^^
I should clean up my room again, I'm too messy even though I've tried to tidy up after myself. =(
Ooh, I managed to find a picture of my makeup the day my camera died, I got like one decent shot before the batteries ran out.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Anguish
Today was really hectic! I woke up somewhat later than I had planned, I was really tired this morning, but I managed to get to work almost right away. I still had lots to do for my project due to slacking off the past week. I started with the drawings and worked my way through the detailed seam graphs. (Forgive me, I'm at a loss here, for I have no clue of where to find a Finnish-English sowing terminology dictionary, and my terminology in English is very limited =(...)
I also wrote the work order, well, a couple of drafts for it anyways, and managed to make lunch in between. Miss Bunnyhopp and I watched this movie 'Quarantine' before going to school, and ended up being late because of it. It was a creepy movie though, and I had time to take a breath and eat while watching it.
At school I ended up drawing the final sketches of the pants I'll be making, coloured the sketches, and glued them to a pink cardboard. I glued all the main info to a pink and a lilac cardboard, it was Miss Bunnyhopp's idea so all glory to her, I merely just copied her on this one. (She got black and red cardboards though). xP I added all the sketches and drafts of things to the folder, and handed it in. Then I started working on my pink rose skirt again.
A while later the teacher comes to me saying I need to colour the seam graphs using blue, green and red. I did that, and about 5 minutes later she comes to me again. "You weren't actually supposed to colour this bit, but to draw green lines here." I'm like what the frick, what freaking difference does it make whether I actually colour a bit or use lines to indicate that the certain area is supposed to be green. O_o Then she starts asking about my drafts and all the sketches, as if it's not clear that the ones on the cardboards are the final versions and all the other stuff was what I used to get there. Especially when I wrote 'draft' in all the older papers. -__-# So I had to write 'final' in them before I could finally hand them in. *sigh* The whole thing is so freaking anal it's ridiculous...
But by Monday I'll know whether I've passed stage I of this project thing. Now I'll need to make the actual patterns, cut the fabric, and make a pair of test pants. Then at the end of this month I'll have a fitting with my client aka Mom, make adjustments if needed, and then make the actual pants. They'll be handed in right before Christmas, and I guess in January I'll know whether I passed or not.
The whole day was so freaking stressing that both I and Miss Bunnyhopp kept swearing our cute little butts off when we got home. After a completely missed episode of C.S.I Las Vegas I've just slumped in my chair wandering around the wonderful world of teh Interwebs. As a result my laptop is all hot and bothered (no, I don't watch porn, I'm a good little girl...sometimes) and it's about time I went to bed. Appointment with the mental health nurse tomorrow before noon.
I also wrote the work order, well, a couple of drafts for it anyways, and managed to make lunch in between. Miss Bunnyhopp and I watched this movie 'Quarantine' before going to school, and ended up being late because of it. It was a creepy movie though, and I had time to take a breath and eat while watching it.
At school I ended up drawing the final sketches of the pants I'll be making, coloured the sketches, and glued them to a pink cardboard. I glued all the main info to a pink and a lilac cardboard, it was Miss Bunnyhopp's idea so all glory to her, I merely just copied her on this one. (She got black and red cardboards though). xP I added all the sketches and drafts of things to the folder, and handed it in. Then I started working on my pink rose skirt again.
A while later the teacher comes to me saying I need to colour the seam graphs using blue, green and red. I did that, and about 5 minutes later she comes to me again. "You weren't actually supposed to colour this bit, but to draw green lines here." I'm like what the frick, what freaking difference does it make whether I actually colour a bit or use lines to indicate that the certain area is supposed to be green. O_o Then she starts asking about my drafts and all the sketches, as if it's not clear that the ones on the cardboards are the final versions and all the other stuff was what I used to get there. Especially when I wrote 'draft' in all the older papers. -__-# So I had to write 'final' in them before I could finally hand them in. *sigh* The whole thing is so freaking anal it's ridiculous...
But by Monday I'll know whether I've passed stage I of this project thing. Now I'll need to make the actual patterns, cut the fabric, and make a pair of test pants. Then at the end of this month I'll have a fitting with my client aka Mom, make adjustments if needed, and then make the actual pants. They'll be handed in right before Christmas, and I guess in January I'll know whether I passed or not.
The whole day was so freaking stressing that both I and Miss Bunnyhopp kept swearing our cute little butts off when we got home. After a completely missed episode of C.S.I Las Vegas I've just slumped in my chair wandering around the wonderful world of teh Interwebs. As a result my laptop is all hot and bothered (no, I don't watch porn, I'm a good little girl...sometimes) and it's about time I went to bed. Appointment with the mental health nurse tomorrow before noon.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Body Company
Gyah, as always, I was behind schedule this morning. We did end up going to the gym and swimming though, so yay. It took us freaking 3 hours in total, but at least we were active. \(^_^)/
My plans to work on my school project failed on having to run errands, and being glued to the computer reading horror stories (thanks a lot PalloMasi, I blame you! xP) for the entire evening. Happy dreams ahead...T__T
I did have a really cute makeup look today, but my camera batteries died, and it turned out all of them were dead! T__T They're charging now, so I'll amuse you with a webcam shot.
There. Ha-ha!
My plans to work on my school project failed on having to run errands, and being glued to the computer reading horror stories (thanks a lot PalloMasi, I blame you! xP) for the entire evening. Happy dreams ahead...T__T
I did have a really cute makeup look today, but my camera batteries died, and it turned out all of them were dead! T__T They're charging now, so I'll amuse you with a webcam shot.
There. Ha-ha!
Enjoy the unknown
Today was not my day. I planned on waking up early, and getting my project done. I ended up waking late, had to cancel my appointment with the mental health nurse (don't worry, I merely rescheduled), draw a couple of sketches and would've forgotten breakfast if it weren't for Miss Bunnyhopp. The back tire of my bike is busted, so I was late for school, and I forgot my wallet at home, so Miss Bunnyhopp had to pay for my fabric purchases.
I looked at my pinstripe top at school, figured out what to fix with it (it's too big, one of the pieces is a weird shape, but all in all, it'll be good once I have more time to spend on it), and then stole Miss Bunnyhopp's skirt pattern once again. I made that one a little too big again, since she's smaller than me, but it's going to be pretty as well. Hopefully I'll actually wear it when it's finished, since it's pink jeans fabric with brown roses on it... Not exactly my style? Well, judging by my room, it's exactly my style...my room is very pink...f^^; Especially now, since I turned on my winter lights again. They were supposed to be purple, but in reality they're pink, and since they're already a year old, they've burned yellow. =(
We're planning on hitting the gym and swimming pools tomorrow morning, Miss Bunnyhopp and I, so I should probably go to sleep now. I'm going to watch another episode of Supernatural though, I'm almost up to date now and things have gotten really interesting... Hopefully my school project will advance tomorrow.
I've got no pictures this time either, my bumming around this morning lead me to not actually putting on any makeup or even my contacts.
P.S. 'Gank' is my new ultimately favourite word. Thank you, Dean Winchester! *heart* "Let's go gank us a Paris Hilton."
P.P.S. For some reason I've been hearing my name screamed at me a lot the past two or three days... I guess I've been embarrassing Miss Bunnyhopp with my perverted little remarks. xP Not to worry, I'm not going to stop...*evil grin*
I looked at my pinstripe top at school, figured out what to fix with it (it's too big, one of the pieces is a weird shape, but all in all, it'll be good once I have more time to spend on it), and then stole Miss Bunnyhopp's skirt pattern once again. I made that one a little too big again, since she's smaller than me, but it's going to be pretty as well. Hopefully I'll actually wear it when it's finished, since it's pink jeans fabric with brown roses on it... Not exactly my style? Well, judging by my room, it's exactly my style...my room is very pink...f^^; Especially now, since I turned on my winter lights again. They were supposed to be purple, but in reality they're pink, and since they're already a year old, they've burned yellow. =(
We're planning on hitting the gym and swimming pools tomorrow morning, Miss Bunnyhopp and I, so I should probably go to sleep now. I'm going to watch another episode of Supernatural though, I'm almost up to date now and things have gotten really interesting... Hopefully my school project will advance tomorrow.
I've got no pictures this time either, my bumming around this morning lead me to not actually putting on any makeup or even my contacts.
P.S. 'Gank' is my new ultimately favourite word. Thank you, Dean Winchester! *heart* "Let's go gank us a Paris Hilton."
P.P.S. For some reason I've been hearing my name screamed at me a lot the past two or three days... I guess I've been embarrassing Miss Bunnyhopp with my perverted little remarks. xP Not to worry, I'm not going to stop...*evil grin*
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Some men can truly be like chocolate
(but most of them are more like shit)
We cleaned up today, hip hip hooray! \(^_^)/ I moved around some stuff in my room too, so it's all nice and cozy again. And clean!
My Siamese Twin also came to visit, which was great, cause I haven't seen her in ages! It was good to see her again, I didn't realise how much I had missed her until now. *heart*
Other than that today's been a typical lazy Sunday, and I'm craving chocolate...I don't care what Miss Bunnyhopp says, I'm gonna hit ABC and go get some! xP
...I'll probably want to draw on some eyebrows before I go though...
P.S. Awesome song btw. Sopor Aeternus & The Ensemble of Shadows - Some Men Are Like Chocolate
We cleaned up today, hip hip hooray! \(^_^)/ I moved around some stuff in my room too, so it's all nice and cozy again. And clean!
My Siamese Twin also came to visit, which was great, cause I haven't seen her in ages! It was good to see her again, I didn't realise how much I had missed her until now. *heart*
Other than that today's been a typical lazy Sunday, and I'm craving chocolate...I don't care what Miss Bunnyhopp says, I'm gonna hit ABC and go get some! xP
...I'll probably want to draw on some eyebrows before I go though...
P.S. Awesome song btw. Sopor Aeternus & The Ensemble of Shadows - Some Men Are Like Chocolate
Imagine
12-hour nights seem to be a standard now. O_o Shame I can't get to bed until around 1am...
Haven't eaten anything but crap today, so I need some real food tomorrow. Too much chocolate and chips and shit, no wonder I'm such a fatty. =(
Today's been weird, but kinda fun. Miss Bunnyhopp and I've been acting like freaking 15-year-olds, running around the house giggling and teasing each other about boys. xP She's been talking to this one dude and stressing about what to say to him, so she kept bugging me for help. Like I'm one to help, with my relationships going haywire as it is...-__- Anywho, I've been sharing my intel with her, and hey, it got her the dude's number, so it can't be all bad...;P
I got me to drag my own and Miss Bunnyhopp's butt to an anime club meeting this evening, since we're flat-ass broke and I'm not really supposed to drink right now. Girl's gotta find some entertainment tho...xP We didn't actually watch any of the anime, nor really act social with people, we just talked and giggled with Mr. Pirate, a friend of ours for two hours. [Sorry dudes, if I don't know what you like to be referred to here, I'll just make it up. xP] That was a lot of fun, and it feels great to laugh again.
We got back home in time to watch Bones, and after that I've just been a computer mushroom. Shame I didn't take any pictures of myself today, I wore very simple makeup, and this really cute short black skirt Miss Bunnyhopp lent me. Well, actually, the skirt will be mine for a few euros, but meh.
Those of you who know me might have already spotted that I like to use song titles or lyrics as the topics of my posts or to describe how I feel. I love music, and I don't really care what genre it falls into as long as it awakens emotions in me aka I like it. I've never been good with with words, especially spoken, since I don't want people to see my true emotions. I'm scared of what they will find if they look deep into my eyes. I fear that they will see this lonely little girl sitting in the dark, fading into shadows...and they'll take one good look at her and walk away.
I'm lonely. All I really want is to be loved. But it's not easy for a broken girl.
I'm not fine, I'm far from it. But one day I will be better, and I'll be able to truely love and accept love again. Until that day...I'll continue to dream. It's all I can do, for now. Dream...
Haven't eaten anything but crap today, so I need some real food tomorrow. Too much chocolate and chips and shit, no wonder I'm such a fatty. =(
Today's been weird, but kinda fun. Miss Bunnyhopp and I've been acting like freaking 15-year-olds, running around the house giggling and teasing each other about boys. xP She's been talking to this one dude and stressing about what to say to him, so she kept bugging me for help. Like I'm one to help, with my relationships going haywire as it is...-__- Anywho, I've been sharing my intel with her, and hey, it got her the dude's number, so it can't be all bad...;P
I got me to drag my own and Miss Bunnyhopp's butt to an anime club meeting this evening, since we're flat-ass broke and I'm not really supposed to drink right now. Girl's gotta find some entertainment tho...xP We didn't actually watch any of the anime, nor really act social with people, we just talked and giggled with Mr. Pirate, a friend of ours for two hours. [Sorry dudes, if I don't know what you like to be referred to here, I'll just make it up. xP] That was a lot of fun, and it feels great to laugh again.
We got back home in time to watch Bones, and after that I've just been a computer mushroom. Shame I didn't take any pictures of myself today, I wore very simple makeup, and this really cute short black skirt Miss Bunnyhopp lent me. Well, actually, the skirt will be mine for a few euros, but meh.
Those of you who know me might have already spotted that I like to use song titles or lyrics as the topics of my posts or to describe how I feel. I love music, and I don't really care what genre it falls into as long as it awakens emotions in me aka I like it. I've never been good with with words, especially spoken, since I don't want people to see my true emotions. I'm scared of what they will find if they look deep into my eyes. I fear that they will see this lonely little girl sitting in the dark, fading into shadows...and they'll take one good look at her and walk away.
I'm lonely. All I really want is to be loved. But it's not easy for a broken girl.
I'm not fine, I'm far from it. But one day I will be better, and I'll be able to truely love and accept love again. Until that day...I'll continue to dream. It's all I can do, for now. Dream...
Friday, November 13, 2009
Horror Show
Another 12hour night. Feels kinda nice for a change.
I talked to mom today about my school project, and we decided that I'll make her a pair of pants. I know the style now, and I took her measurements, so it should be fine. I'll draw a couple of sketches for her to choose from, and then make the required detailed paperwork by Wednesday, when I have to hand in everything for the first evaluation.
Miss Bunnyhopp and I wandered around town a bit, and then she decided to go see a movie. I refused to go with her, since I'm not a big fan of scary movies and she wanted to go see 'Paranormal Activity'. A friend of ours agreed to go with her instead. I would've much rather gone see '2012', but felt too pathetic to go alone. I feel even more pathetic now that I'm home alone writing this, but meh...
I want to get wasted. I'm tired though, and my contacs have been feeling really dry in my eyes all day. Totally sucks, cause these are supposed to be the improved, breathable lenses. Blah.
Makeup today again Gosh Effect Powders Bright'n'Black and Angelic, eyebrows drawn with BnB as well.
I talked to mom today about my school project, and we decided that I'll make her a pair of pants. I know the style now, and I took her measurements, so it should be fine. I'll draw a couple of sketches for her to choose from, and then make the required detailed paperwork by Wednesday, when I have to hand in everything for the first evaluation.
Miss Bunnyhopp and I wandered around town a bit, and then she decided to go see a movie. I refused to go with her, since I'm not a big fan of scary movies and she wanted to go see 'Paranormal Activity'. A friend of ours agreed to go with her instead. I would've much rather gone see '2012', but felt too pathetic to go alone. I feel even more pathetic now that I'm home alone writing this, but meh...
I want to get wasted. I'm tired though, and my contacs have been feeling really dry in my eyes all day. Totally sucks, cause these are supposed to be the improved, breathable lenses. Blah.
Makeup today again Gosh Effect Powders Bright'n'Black and Angelic, eyebrows drawn with BnB as well.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Kaamos
I slept about 12 hours again, and have been feeling sleepy all day. Not as bad as yesterday though, I seriously felt like "Wake me up when I'm done saying 'duuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..' ...".
I made it to school, where I kept giggling at things with Miss Bunnyhopp, and tried to work on my gansta top, until I realised my patterns don't match and got annoyed. We left school after seven, which is really early, but couldn't be helped.
I fell asleep on the sofa while watching C.S.I., and when I went back to my room to watch it from my computer (my darling comp is so smart, it knew to save the show for me *heart*), I fell asleep again. I did remember to take my sleeping pill before finally falling asleep for good, so yay...
No contacts or makeup today, I haven't gotten anything done, just slept late, watched TV, ate a lot of stuff... I had the munchies and I've been crawing for something all day, but I still haven't figured out what I really wanted. I tried pizza, chips, soda, liquorice, chocolate, pudding... Everything fatty, and still haven't figured out what I really wanted. Annoying.
Fell asleep a couple of times today, but only for short periods of time. I can't help it, it's like I'm storaging up on sleep after being sleep-deprived for some time. It would be fine if I didn't have this project I need to do... After all, I love sleeping...^^;
I've felt a little bit better today. In general I've just been feeling lonely, missing my friends, and longing for a hug.... I miss having someone I can just crawl next to and cuddle. =(
I made it to school, where I kept giggling at things with Miss Bunnyhopp, and tried to work on my gansta top, until I realised my patterns don't match and got annoyed. We left school after seven, which is really early, but couldn't be helped.
I fell asleep on the sofa while watching C.S.I., and when I went back to my room to watch it from my computer (my darling comp is so smart, it knew to save the show for me *heart*), I fell asleep again. I did remember to take my sleeping pill before finally falling asleep for good, so yay...
No contacts or makeup today, I haven't gotten anything done, just slept late, watched TV, ate a lot of stuff... I had the munchies and I've been crawing for something all day, but I still haven't figured out what I really wanted. I tried pizza, chips, soda, liquorice, chocolate, pudding... Everything fatty, and still haven't figured out what I really wanted. Annoying.
Fell asleep a couple of times today, but only for short periods of time. I can't help it, it's like I'm storaging up on sleep after being sleep-deprived for some time. It would be fine if I didn't have this project I need to do... After all, I love sleeping...^^;
I've felt a little bit better today. In general I've just been feeling lonely, missing my friends, and longing for a hug.... I miss having someone I can just crawl next to and cuddle. =(
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Guard my sleep
I'm feeling really groggy right now. I took the pill to help me sleep around midnight, but stayed up almost until 1am. After that I've just been sleeping and sleeping... Woke up a few times though, the freaking tiny pill upset my stomach...grr!
I'm glad it works, not so happy about feeling like I could just sleep the rest of the day as well, until it was time to take another pill. I need to go to school this evening, I haven't gotten anything done, and it's already 2pm...
Not really sure what I'll do at school today. I can't really move forward with my project, cause mom doesn't have time until Friday. Maybe I'll try to work on my Lip Service -inspired gansta top, I don't know if my pattern even fits me....
Should probably hit the store and go find something to eat. If only I didn't feel like crawling back to bed again...so sleepy... And cold. It's like the heater in my room doesn't work properly. Grr!
I'm glad it works, not so happy about feeling like I could just sleep the rest of the day as well, until it was time to take another pill. I need to go to school this evening, I haven't gotten anything done, and it's already 2pm...
Not really sure what I'll do at school today. I can't really move forward with my project, cause mom doesn't have time until Friday. Maybe I'll try to work on my Lip Service -inspired gansta top, I don't know if my pattern even fits me....
Should probably hit the store and go find something to eat. If only I didn't feel like crawling back to bed again...so sleepy... And cold. It's like the heater in my room doesn't work properly. Grr!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
You didn't want me
I'm officially depressed now. The doctor was very nice, I was expecting to see a male doctor, but to my relieved surprise she was a woman. I told her the basics, said that from what I remember, the medication I had a year ago didn't really work for me, so she prescribed me something else. And something to help me sleep, so yay...
Unfortunately the new pills were quite expensive, so they better be good... Grr! I start them tomorrow morning, and the sleeping pills tonight. I just wish I don't turn into a zombie cause of the meds...
The doctor told me that the medication would take about two weeks to kick in, and if I had more suicidal thoughts, I should just go to the ER and they would admit me in the hospital psychiatric ward for a few days, to help me get through the worst days. I wish I had done that Friday evening, last weekend was hell...
My phone rang when I got home, and now I have an appointment to see a mental health nurse (depressiohoitaja) on Monday. I was told I need to make an appointment myself, but I guess the doctor contacted the nurse and she then contacted me to make sure I would actually set a date for my first visit.
I was going to get the swine flu vaccination today as well, but it meant a 2-3 hours wait, and I really didn't feel like standing outside in the cold, especially since it's been trying to rain....yeah, the lines really were that long.
I'm tired. Did manage to scrape in about 6 hours of sleep last night, so yay...
I keep feeling anxious. I know I have a ton of things to do, if I just started them, but I don't feel like it. Don't feel like doing anything. My room is an absolute mess, and I need to wash my sheets and do other laundry as well. I also need to try out basic patterns for a skirt and pants, and focus on my school project, but fuck that. I keep sitting by the computer, listening to music and searching for new artists. I wish I could dance... It might make me feel better both physically and mentally, but a) there's no room here, b) my downstairs neighbour would have a fit (I live in an old house, I don't need to be an elephant to make a lot of noise) and c) I can't even dance... I'm so in love with EBM, especially everything melancholic, and it just makes me want to dance my heart out...
I did manage to do the dishes today, so yay for me. Now if only I'd try to clear the floor and shake my ass while doing it...;) Unfortunately just looking around me brings my already blue mood crashing down. =(
Unfortunately the new pills were quite expensive, so they better be good... Grr! I start them tomorrow morning, and the sleeping pills tonight. I just wish I don't turn into a zombie cause of the meds...
The doctor told me that the medication would take about two weeks to kick in, and if I had more suicidal thoughts, I should just go to the ER and they would admit me in the hospital psychiatric ward for a few days, to help me get through the worst days. I wish I had done that Friday evening, last weekend was hell...
My phone rang when I got home, and now I have an appointment to see a mental health nurse (depressiohoitaja) on Monday. I was told I need to make an appointment myself, but I guess the doctor contacted the nurse and she then contacted me to make sure I would actually set a date for my first visit.
I was going to get the swine flu vaccination today as well, but it meant a 2-3 hours wait, and I really didn't feel like standing outside in the cold, especially since it's been trying to rain....yeah, the lines really were that long.
I'm tired. Did manage to scrape in about 6 hours of sleep last night, so yay...
I keep feeling anxious. I know I have a ton of things to do, if I just started them, but I don't feel like it. Don't feel like doing anything. My room is an absolute mess, and I need to wash my sheets and do other laundry as well. I also need to try out basic patterns for a skirt and pants, and focus on my school project, but fuck that. I keep sitting by the computer, listening to music and searching for new artists. I wish I could dance... It might make me feel better both physically and mentally, but a) there's no room here, b) my downstairs neighbour would have a fit (I live in an old house, I don't need to be an elephant to make a lot of noise) and c) I can't even dance... I'm so in love with EBM, especially everything melancholic, and it just makes me want to dance my heart out...
I did manage to do the dishes today, so yay for me. Now if only I'd try to clear the floor and shake my ass while doing it...;) Unfortunately just looking around me brings my already blue mood crashing down. =(
Another sleepless night
I went shopping with Miss Bunnyhopp before school, but didn't really find anything besides a stretchy headband and a purple Wet'n'Wild Mega Liner. I did have a really greasy icky donut at Arnold's though, cause MBH wanted a muffin and refused to get one without me.
We had an info day at school, about our skills demonstration projects, and I decided that even though I haven't really learned most of the basics, I'm going to try and scrape up a project this winter. I have to do two projects to be able to "graduate" (I still can't take this school seriously...-__-), so if I get through one now and the other in the spring, I'm on schedule.
I freaking look like I'm 14 years old...-__-
The project consists of finding a client, designing an outfit for them, and then making one of the clothes you designed. For example, you design a pant suit, including a top, jacket, and pants or a skirt, and then you make one of them. Except we're not allowed to make a basic skirt, it's supposedly too simple. O__o
There's a ton of paperwork and scheduling that goes into this, and I now have a week to do the first part, which means that by Wednesday next week I need to have coloured sketches of outfits, an outlined plan of the whole process, the drawings for the item of clothing I'll be making, a customer profile etc. etc...
At least it'll keep me busy for a while.
On another note, my lip ring started hurting again, after being ok for nearly two weeks. =( My tongue is feeling partially numb and sore as well, and I think my navel piercing is infected...=( I don't know what caused them all to react so negatively, but I really hope it goes away soon... They're really being a pain in the ass to heal! >=(
I managed to keep most of my makeup where it was supposed to be most of the day. I decided to play around with the effect powders, so today was a Gosh day.
Gosh effect powders Angelic, Bright'n'Black, and Spa
Eyebrows with Gosh blue eyeshadow
Black mascara
Had a horrible night last night (this one's not looking much better either). I was discussing things with people, and I just couldn't get to sleep. The last time I remember checking my cell phone was at 7.40am...and I woke up at noon. I just can't sleep anymore...
I kept talking things through with my ex, and it got kinda bad, I'm sad to say...=( So bad in fact, that I was anxious to run outside in my sleepwear to the nearby bridge, and jump into the icy river...it being the middle of the night there would've been nobody to stop me either.
But I want to be stopped. I'm just trying to scream out how badly I need help... Am I reaching anyone?
P.S. Happy belated birthday Mikichan. This post took forever to write.
We had an info day at school, about our skills demonstration projects, and I decided that even though I haven't really learned most of the basics, I'm going to try and scrape up a project this winter. I have to do two projects to be able to "graduate" (I still can't take this school seriously...-__-), so if I get through one now and the other in the spring, I'm on schedule.
I freaking look like I'm 14 years old...-__-There's a ton of paperwork and scheduling that goes into this, and I now have a week to do the first part, which means that by Wednesday next week I need to have coloured sketches of outfits, an outlined plan of the whole process, the drawings for the item of clothing I'll be making, a customer profile etc. etc...
At least it'll keep me busy for a while.
On another note, my lip ring started hurting again, after being ok for nearly two weeks. =( My tongue is feeling partially numb and sore as well, and I think my navel piercing is infected...=( I don't know what caused them all to react so negatively, but I really hope it goes away soon... They're really being a pain in the ass to heal! >=(
I managed to keep most of my makeup where it was supposed to be most of the day. I decided to play around with the effect powders, so today was a Gosh day.
Gosh effect powders Angelic, Bright'n'Black, and SpaEyebrows with Gosh blue eyeshadow
Black mascara
Had a horrible night last night (this one's not looking much better either). I was discussing things with people, and I just couldn't get to sleep. The last time I remember checking my cell phone was at 7.40am...and I woke up at noon. I just can't sleep anymore...
I kept talking things through with my ex, and it got kinda bad, I'm sad to say...=( So bad in fact, that I was anxious to run outside in my sleepwear to the nearby bridge, and jump into the icy river...it being the middle of the night there would've been nobody to stop me either.
But I want to be stopped. I'm just trying to scream out how badly I need help... Am I reaching anyone?
P.S. Happy belated birthday Mikichan. This post took forever to write.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Happy Father's Day
I spent most of the day at my parents', it being Father's Day and all. I also went through a lot of the music my sister had on her computer, and have now about 4G more music myself...(props to Halloween_Jack, I'm pretty sure that's where some of it came from...) I also deleted most of the doubles, so there's a little more free space on my dad's external hard drive now. He doesn't speak English, and it would take forever for him to go through all that, so I was happy to help.
Other than that I haven't really been happy today. It was good to see my cats again, and I talked to my brother for a bit. Mostly about what to do with our (well, mine, actually) old Donald Duck -comics. There's about 10 year's worth of them, thanks to my godfather. *insert heart here*
Mom found me my old long black wool coat. I've missed it, and I wish I'd found it in time for Tampere... Just need to fix it a bit, since the lining is mostly broken, and I've had to remove it from the other sleeve completely. I'll also see if it still fits nicely, and maybe try to take patterns from it. I need a new coat...
I've been feeling really anxious today. I know I'm not to expect hearing from anyone today, cause people are busy, but I've been staring at my phone all day... I just wish someone would call me, text me, anything... I'm lonely. I can't let my guard down in front of my parents, I really don't want them to worry about me...
I made a couple new dreads yesterday, well, I didn't wash them yet. I borrowed some of my sister's old woollen dreads to use as study material for my own dreads. So far I've done pretty good, though I use different wool.
Makeup today consisted of mascara and violet eyebrows. After yesterday's fiasco zebra face with Wet'n'Wild Mega Liner...yeah, I didn't feel like risking it.
Most of the snow is gone now, it's been raining again. =( Here's how it looked at night.
Other than that I haven't really been happy today. It was good to see my cats again, and I talked to my brother for a bit. Mostly about what to do with our (well, mine, actually) old Donald Duck -comics. There's about 10 year's worth of them, thanks to my godfather. *insert heart here*
Mom found me my old long black wool coat. I've missed it, and I wish I'd found it in time for Tampere... Just need to fix it a bit, since the lining is mostly broken, and I've had to remove it from the other sleeve completely. I'll also see if it still fits nicely, and maybe try to take patterns from it. I need a new coat...
I've been feeling really anxious today. I know I'm not to expect hearing from anyone today, cause people are busy, but I've been staring at my phone all day... I just wish someone would call me, text me, anything... I'm lonely. I can't let my guard down in front of my parents, I really don't want them to worry about me...
I made a couple new dreads yesterday, well, I didn't wash them yet. I borrowed some of my sister's old woollen dreads to use as study material for my own dreads. So far I've done pretty good, though I use different wool.
Makeup today consisted of mascara and violet eyebrows. After yesterday's fiasco zebra face with Wet'n'Wild Mega Liner...yeah, I didn't feel like risking it.
Most of the snow is gone now, it's been raining again. =( Here's how it looked at night.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Things are not what they seem
I'm the type of girl who'll go out in the middle of the night just to enjoy the first fresh snow of the winter. I'm also the type of girl who'll give a snowball to someone as a present. Especially when I realise I've lost my keyes...
Yeah, I did that last night. I was supposed to just go play in the snow, but I decided to take a walk too. By the time I was planning to turn back home I started to look for my keyes, couldn't find them, and kinda panicked. Miss Bunnyhopp was happily sleeping, and I didn't want to wake her up, cause her back still hurted. What did I do?
All in all, I walked 6km in the snow to see my ex. The walk took me about an hour and a half, but I was already kinda halfway there. No, I did not plan it, I had just started walking, and had already picked the route back home. But not being able to find my keyes made me panic, and I knew he was still up. So I made a cute little snowball and just kept walking.
The snowball wasn't very cute by the time I got there (neither was I). He took me in for the night, and we talked. Well, once again, he talked, and I cried my eyes out. I slept on his sofa, well, I tried at least. I stayed up most of the night, and finally fell asleep in the morning. He took me back home around noon, and no worries, my keyes are safe. I spent the rest of the day with Miss Bunnyhopp watching Supernatural and eating. I'm stuffed, and it makes me sick...=(
Why does all this still hurt me so much? Why is it so hard for me to let go? Because I still had feelings for him, feelings I denied from everyone, especially him, even myself. Our relationship was rocky, and it got too hard for me too handle. Nevertheless, I was still 100% convinced we'd end up back together. When I finally realised it was too late...it broke my heart.
I feel like a fool. What we had was unique. A cliché, but it's true for me. I went through so many "firsts" with him (one of them being living with a guy, others I'll leave to your imagination, however dirty it may be....) and he was the only guy I could really be myself with. I trusted him more than anyone in my life. He helped my through the hardest time of my life when my sister died. He held me in his arms through those countless nights I cried after her. And for that I will always love him.
"If you love them, set them free..."
Why is it so hard to do the right thing? Why do the good guys have to suffer? Of course I want him to be happy, even when it's not with me. I can't say I harbour any hard feelings against the girl either. Somehow I see myself in her. She's in the same position I was two and a half years back, getting to know this really great guy who's been hurt by someone he loved so much...
I just wish it wasn't my heart that got smashed into millions of pieces in the process... I may try to put on a brave face in public, even with Miss Bunnyhopp, but when I'm alone... I cry myself to sleep. I just wish the pain would go away... I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up until it didn't hurt anymore... Why do I have to pay the price?
P.S. Let it be known I don't even like winter. I just love snow; the world doesn't seem like such a bad place when everything's covered in pure, white, soft, perfect snow...
Yeah, I did that last night. I was supposed to just go play in the snow, but I decided to take a walk too. By the time I was planning to turn back home I started to look for my keyes, couldn't find them, and kinda panicked. Miss Bunnyhopp was happily sleeping, and I didn't want to wake her up, cause her back still hurted. What did I do?
All in all, I walked 6km in the snow to see my ex. The walk took me about an hour and a half, but I was already kinda halfway there. No, I did not plan it, I had just started walking, and had already picked the route back home. But not being able to find my keyes made me panic, and I knew he was still up. So I made a cute little snowball and just kept walking.
The snowball wasn't very cute by the time I got there (neither was I). He took me in for the night, and we talked. Well, once again, he talked, and I cried my eyes out. I slept on his sofa, well, I tried at least. I stayed up most of the night, and finally fell asleep in the morning. He took me back home around noon, and no worries, my keyes are safe. I spent the rest of the day with Miss Bunnyhopp watching Supernatural and eating. I'm stuffed, and it makes me sick...=(
Why does all this still hurt me so much? Why is it so hard for me to let go? Because I still had feelings for him, feelings I denied from everyone, especially him, even myself. Our relationship was rocky, and it got too hard for me too handle. Nevertheless, I was still 100% convinced we'd end up back together. When I finally realised it was too late...it broke my heart.
I feel like a fool. What we had was unique. A cliché, but it's true for me. I went through so many "firsts" with him (one of them being living with a guy, others I'll leave to your imagination, however dirty it may be....) and he was the only guy I could really be myself with. I trusted him more than anyone in my life. He helped my through the hardest time of my life when my sister died. He held me in his arms through those countless nights I cried after her. And for that I will always love him.
"If you love them, set them free..."
Why is it so hard to do the right thing? Why do the good guys have to suffer? Of course I want him to be happy, even when it's not with me. I can't say I harbour any hard feelings against the girl either. Somehow I see myself in her. She's in the same position I was two and a half years back, getting to know this really great guy who's been hurt by someone he loved so much...
I just wish it wasn't my heart that got smashed into millions of pieces in the process... I may try to put on a brave face in public, even with Miss Bunnyhopp, but when I'm alone... I cry myself to sleep. I just wish the pain would go away... I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up until it didn't hurt anymore... Why do I have to pay the price?
P.S. Let it be known I don't even like winter. I just love snow; the world doesn't seem like such a bad place when everything's covered in pure, white, soft, perfect snow...
Friday, November 06, 2009
Kitiara's pet dragon
I messed up my eyebrows today, so I made wings out of them. Sorta. Yes, I wore makeup today! Improvement, I guess...I didn't even get that many weird looks, even though I went out in public with this look. I'm surprised. O__o I've also eaten quite normally. It's kinda hard not to, when Miss Bunnyhopp made an omelet and bacon for breakfast... She wouldn't buy chocolate either, unless I got a box, and she really wanted her chocs...f^^; So I've had chocolate and liquorice today too. Kinda annoyed that I did, but I guess food is just stronger than me. =(
Today was okay, I'm just bummed cause I didn't do anything active. =( I was thinking about going to the gym again, but MBH has hurt her back somehow, and can't really come with me right now. =( My thighs are hurting, which is kinda funny but really annoying. O__o *sigh*
I'm still not doing very good, feeling anxious and just generally bad&sad. I did manage to book a doctor's appointment, but it's not until next week. It's on the same day they're giving piggyfly shots to those who are in the risk groups, so I'm going to get a shot since I have asthma. My mom requested it, and hey, if I die, you'll know not to get it, right?
I finally get to start season 4 of Supernatural, so I'll either head to bed soon, or start watching that. Maybe both.
Oh and whoever knows who Kitiara is, gets a bonus point! Takhisis might fit better here, but for some reason Kitiara sounded better in my head. No, I don't like her. I just felt evil. (and wore all black)
I like my hair a little better now, after my bangs got a bit more shape. They're still gray though...
Gosh Effect Powders Angelic & Bright'n'BlackWet'n'Wild Eyeliner pen
Black mascara
Thursday, November 05, 2009
NP: mind.in.a.box - Change
I've liked this song for a while but only today looked into the lyrics more. Now I absolutely love it... See for yourself.
and I will never see the truth,
this is not a matter of my youth.
I do not need anybody else,
bonds would put my mind into cells.
and I will never know I was wrong,
never listen to those truly strong.
I do not fear anything that's not me,
ignorance is the ultimate key.
but I wouldn't want to live like this forever.
but change myself? never, never!
the very thought sends shivers down my spine.
I'm sure everything, everything will be fine.
I am the one who cries out at night,
for somebody to change my very core.
not sure why I live in endless fright,
doomed to love only myself forevermore.
I am the one who has no real friends,
shallow people flocking to my banner.
always trying to make easy amends,
cherishing my own overbearing manner.
life - always fragile.
I will never change.
love - always fleeting.
I will never change.
life - always fragile.
I will never change.
love - always fleeting.
I will never change.
but I wouldn't want to live like this forever.
maybe I really was too clever.
but I wouldn't want to end like that.
I would die lonely and incredibly sad.
I will never drag myself out of this,
the shadows of my past bogging me down.
feeling lost in turmoil and crisis,
my face forever set in an endless frown.
I have been hurt beyond mental repair,
thence destined to suffer eternal damnation.
no one can be there for me to care,
but without I will never find salvation.
lust - always empty.
but I will never change.
death - always tempting.
but I will never change.
lust - always empty.
but I will never change.
death - always tempting.
but I will never change.
everything is about control.
I must never slip, nor ever fall.
anything is possible for me.
I must never doubt, and finally be free.
and finally be free.
this is not a matter of my youth.
I do not need anybody else,
bonds would put my mind into cells.
and I will never know I was wrong,
never listen to those truly strong.
I do not fear anything that's not me,
ignorance is the ultimate key.
but I wouldn't want to live like this forever.
but change myself? never, never!
the very thought sends shivers down my spine.
I'm sure everything, everything will be fine.
I am the one who cries out at night,
for somebody to change my very core.
not sure why I live in endless fright,
doomed to love only myself forevermore.
I am the one who has no real friends,
shallow people flocking to my banner.
always trying to make easy amends,
cherishing my own overbearing manner.
life - always fragile.
I will never change.
love - always fleeting.
I will never change.
life - always fragile.
I will never change.
love - always fleeting.
I will never change.
but I wouldn't want to live like this forever.
maybe I really was too clever.
but I wouldn't want to end like that.
I would die lonely and incredibly sad.
I will never drag myself out of this,
the shadows of my past bogging me down.
feeling lost in turmoil and crisis,
my face forever set in an endless frown.
I have been hurt beyond mental repair,
thence destined to suffer eternal damnation.
no one can be there for me to care,
but without I will never find salvation.
lust - always empty.
but I will never change.
death - always tempting.
but I will never change.
lust - always empty.
but I will never change.
death - always tempting.
but I will never change.
everything is about control.
I must never slip, nor ever fall.
anything is possible for me.
I must never doubt, and finally be free.
and finally be free.
Food? No thanks.
I'm on my way to an eating disorder and the funny thing is I'm willing to embrace it...
I lost a couple kilos the past two days. No appettite. I loved how my tummy looked like this morning, all flat. Then I had some tea, and bloated up like a balloon. =( I had a kaki aka sharon fruit for breakfast. Miss BunnyHopp made pita kebab, and pushed me to eat two.
I'm fighting the urge to go barf them up. One was good, but two felt like pushing it. I feel fat, and am giving myself a hard time for eating the second one. I want to go out for a walk and even try running a bit.
Still no makeup today, I was going to open up a fresh pair of contact lenses, but I sorta forgot and don't really want to do it anymore for just a couple hours use.
I have smiled and laughed today, so a slight improvement there. I am, however, feeling really anxious all the time, and literally pushing the depression away. It just pushes back, and it's stronger than me... The later it gets, the harder it is for me. I fear the night.
Still, no tears today, at least so far. Tomorrow I might actually think about putting on some makeup, and maybe take a picture or two. I was supposed to clean up my room and do the dishes today, and I started to do that, but didn't get too far.
Oh, before I forget: Something cool happened today, of which Miss BunnyHopp and I get to be very proud of. The owner of this building had finally listened to us, and today they installed fire alarms and extinguishers in the hallway. We live in this really old spooky wooden house, and our downstairs neighbour smokes in his appartment...so it was about time. Smoking isn't allowed here in the first place, and we've been complaining about it ever since we moved here a year ago. Now there's a fire alarm right above his door, so hopefully he'll finally stop.
I have to go out now, I'm sick of sitting in one place. That's good, I guess, that I keep wanting to move. I just need a push to actually get a doctor's appointment...I'm scared.
I lost a couple kilos the past two days. No appettite. I loved how my tummy looked like this morning, all flat. Then I had some tea, and bloated up like a balloon. =( I had a kaki aka sharon fruit for breakfast. Miss BunnyHopp made pita kebab, and pushed me to eat two.
I'm fighting the urge to go barf them up. One was good, but two felt like pushing it. I feel fat, and am giving myself a hard time for eating the second one. I want to go out for a walk and even try running a bit.
Still no makeup today, I was going to open up a fresh pair of contact lenses, but I sorta forgot and don't really want to do it anymore for just a couple hours use.
I have smiled and laughed today, so a slight improvement there. I am, however, feeling really anxious all the time, and literally pushing the depression away. It just pushes back, and it's stronger than me... The later it gets, the harder it is for me. I fear the night.
Still, no tears today, at least so far. Tomorrow I might actually think about putting on some makeup, and maybe take a picture or two. I was supposed to clean up my room and do the dishes today, and I started to do that, but didn't get too far.
Oh, before I forget: Something cool happened today, of which Miss BunnyHopp and I get to be very proud of. The owner of this building had finally listened to us, and today they installed fire alarms and extinguishers in the hallway. We live in this really old spooky wooden house, and our downstairs neighbour smokes in his appartment...so it was about time. Smoking isn't allowed here in the first place, and we've been complaining about it ever since we moved here a year ago. Now there's a fire alarm right above his door, so hopefully he'll finally stop.
I have to go out now, I'm sick of sitting in one place. That's good, I guess, that I keep wanting to move. I just need a push to actually get a doctor's appointment...I'm scared.
I'm still standing
Today I thought that since I have this great urge to hurt myself, I might as well try to use it to my advantage...so when the walls started collapsing on me again, I took bathing gear with me and headed out. I walked the long road to the sports hall, and hit the gym. I didn't tell Miss Bunnyhopp, because I feel like I can't take anyone's company right now...she's mad at me now, and I'm sorry about that, but I had to be alone.
I wasn't at the gym for more than 40 minutes, but since I haven't gone in so long I figured it'd be enough to make my muscles ache tomorrow. There's was this bearded guy who kept looking at me, and I really hope it was in a curious way as to why I looked like shit with my dirty hair, puffy eyes and no eyebrows and not because he found me cute like that. -__-
After the gym I went soaking in the steam sauna, and then hit the pool. I didn't swim for very long either, the warm pool with the massaging waterfalls was reserved so I couldn't get there, which bummed me out. I could really use a massage right about now... I still felt like shit, so I went back to the sauna, realised I was alone and shed a few tears.
On my way home I stopped by the game store hoping to see a friendly face. I did, though not the one I expected. I chatted for a bit, and then went home. I stayed on my computer for a bit, and then went to bed. I ignored school completely, didn't even send my teacher a message. After maybe two hours I woke up and realised I hadn't eated anything. I still don't have any appetite, but I managed to eat two pieces of crisp bread (näkkileipä) with some water.
I had been texting with my ex and I asked him to meet me at the pier in order to say goodbye. Long story short - my eyes are even puffier now (I didn't know it was still possible) and I'm cold, but we agreed to do our best to remain friends. And I need that. I can't do this alone. I need my antidepressants back. I need help.
And I really, really hope this friend thing works out this time...he's still the person who knows me best, and one of my closest friends. I know it'll hurt like hell and nothing will be the same again. Which is why I need you guys to help me through the hard times...isn't that what friends are for?
P.S. I'm sorry for turning into such an angsty blogger, but seriously dudes...you don't even know half of it...
I wasn't at the gym for more than 40 minutes, but since I haven't gone in so long I figured it'd be enough to make my muscles ache tomorrow. There's was this bearded guy who kept looking at me, and I really hope it was in a curious way as to why I looked like shit with my dirty hair, puffy eyes and no eyebrows and not because he found me cute like that. -__-
After the gym I went soaking in the steam sauna, and then hit the pool. I didn't swim for very long either, the warm pool with the massaging waterfalls was reserved so I couldn't get there, which bummed me out. I could really use a massage right about now... I still felt like shit, so I went back to the sauna, realised I was alone and shed a few tears.
On my way home I stopped by the game store hoping to see a friendly face. I did, though not the one I expected. I chatted for a bit, and then went home. I stayed on my computer for a bit, and then went to bed. I ignored school completely, didn't even send my teacher a message. After maybe two hours I woke up and realised I hadn't eated anything. I still don't have any appetite, but I managed to eat two pieces of crisp bread (näkkileipä) with some water.
I had been texting with my ex and I asked him to meet me at the pier in order to say goodbye. Long story short - my eyes are even puffier now (I didn't know it was still possible) and I'm cold, but we agreed to do our best to remain friends. And I need that. I can't do this alone. I need my antidepressants back. I need help.
And I really, really hope this friend thing works out this time...he's still the person who knows me best, and one of my closest friends. I know it'll hurt like hell and nothing will be the same again. Which is why I need you guys to help me through the hard times...isn't that what friends are for?
P.S. I'm sorry for turning into such an angsty blogger, but seriously dudes...you don't even know half of it...
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Broken...
I don't know what to do...I feel so lost...
He really broke my heart this time...
I want to hate him, I really do. Hate would make things so much easier...
but I'm too broken to hate...
He really broke my heart this time...
I want to hate him, I really do. Hate would make things so much easier...
but I'm too broken to hate...
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Farewell
I was too anxious to sit around and even my bed didn't bring me any comfort...so I decided to head out, before the walls would collapse over me. I didn't really know where to go or what to do, so I just started walking.
It didn't take long to realise where I was heading. To the surroundings of where we used to live. I felt like I had to go there, to see the places I was once happy in. Such a long time ago...
It was windy and very cold, and I might have caught a really bad cold, but I don't care. I got to this nice little pier by the river, and just sat there, lost in thought...until I realised my tears had dried and all I felt was emptiness.
I got up, carefully checked how icy the river had gotten, gave up that thought and moved on to the tiny bridge. I missed that bridge and what it represented. It's where we used to meet up, before we were even dating, way back when we used to be friends.
I crossed the bridge, took a look around, walked back. I'd gotten really cold, so I decided it was time to head back home. I took the shorter route, headed through the city.
I feel like there's no-one I can talk to... The only person who really knows what I'm going through is the person who made me go through it... And I can't rely on him anymore. Not now. I've said my goodbyes. It's time to let go.
It's funny if you think about it. 10 years have passed, and I find myself in the same situation again...sitting in my room, in the dark, listening to Sentenced and feeling so completely alone...
I just wish I had the strenght to keep going...
It didn't take long to realise where I was heading. To the surroundings of where we used to live. I felt like I had to go there, to see the places I was once happy in. Such a long time ago...
It was windy and very cold, and I might have caught a really bad cold, but I don't care. I got to this nice little pier by the river, and just sat there, lost in thought...until I realised my tears had dried and all I felt was emptiness.
I got up, carefully checked how icy the river had gotten, gave up that thought and moved on to the tiny bridge. I missed that bridge and what it represented. It's where we used to meet up, before we were even dating, way back when we used to be friends.
I crossed the bridge, took a look around, walked back. I'd gotten really cold, so I decided it was time to head back home. I took the shorter route, headed through the city.
I feel like there's no-one I can talk to... The only person who really knows what I'm going through is the person who made me go through it... And I can't rely on him anymore. Not now. I've said my goodbyes. It's time to let go.
It's funny if you think about it. 10 years have passed, and I find myself in the same situation again...sitting in my room, in the dark, listening to Sentenced and feeling so completely alone...
I just wish I had the strenght to keep going...
I was just beginning to trust you...but you let me down again...
No pictures today. Hell, I barely got out of bed and that's where I'm heading again once I finish this post.
Today my ex-bf told me he found someone over the weekend. Despite everything that's happened between us, it was still a hit below the belt. I've spent the day balling my eyes out and trying to think of reasons not to head for my stash of various painkillers. Or to go find the sharpest kitchen knife.
I knew something was coming. My alarm rang at 9am, but I didn't want to get up. I kept hitting the snooze alarm for 2hours(!) before finally admitting I need to get up at some point. And then I get these news, and I fall right back in.
Trust no-one. That's what life has taught me.
Today my ex-bf told me he found someone over the weekend. Despite everything that's happened between us, it was still a hit below the belt. I've spent the day balling my eyes out and trying to think of reasons not to head for my stash of various painkillers. Or to go find the sharpest kitchen knife.
I knew something was coming. My alarm rang at 9am, but I didn't want to get up. I kept hitting the snooze alarm for 2hours(!) before finally admitting I need to get up at some point. And then I get these news, and I fall right back in.
Trust no-one. That's what life has taught me.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Monday, bleh
Right, back to date now.
I went shopping for stuff today, needed fresh cases for my new contact lenses. I still have enough solution for about a month, but the packets come with just one case. Found those, and also got this Cailap razor to try on my eyebrows. I hope I won't hurt myself too much with it, it is still a razor, and thus quite sharp...
On my way to school I stopped by Emotion to see if they finally got the new Gosh line, and they did! They didn't have the false lashes or the eyeshadow palette yet, and no idea whether they will get them or not. But! I did get the effect powder ^^ It's funny, I looked for it all over Tampere, and had to get it here. O__o 18 Bright and Black, all mine now. ^^
About the Neutrogena facial products I got earlier...I'm not too happy about them. I started out using the Blackhead removing wash twice a day every other day, and the gel wash in the days between, but quickly moved to using just the Blackhead one. My face isn't any cleaner, the blackheads are all still there and I keep getting spots just like I did before. =( It does leave my face nice and matte, just a tad too dry though, so I'm glad I have the moisturiser as well. That one is a keeper, it makes my face soft, moistured and not shiny at all! ^^
I got 3 natural facial bars in my Elegant Minerals order, and I tried one of them this morning. It's scented Vanilla & Oatmeal, and even though the smell is quite strong, it's still very pleasant. And the results were squeaky clean, quite literally! The other two are Wild Berries and Chamomile and Apricot, but I'll leave those be for now. I think I'll either choose to use the EM facial bar, or keep using Neutrogena, or maybe just mix both. It's hard to find a product suitable for my skin. =(
Oh, I did try the razor, and I don't think I'll end up using it too often. It does a clean job, but it also takes a lot of skin with it, so it leaves my brows sore and screaming for moisturiser. Quite unpleasant. =(
I didn't do anything special at school today, I focused on pockets and made practise pockets for future reference. I think I'll spend Wednesday working on different zippers and collars. Then next week I'll continue with my clothes again. ^^
I went shopping for stuff today, needed fresh cases for my new contact lenses. I still have enough solution for about a month, but the packets come with just one case. Found those, and also got this Cailap razor to try on my eyebrows. I hope I won't hurt myself too much with it, it is still a razor, and thus quite sharp...
On my way to school I stopped by Emotion to see if they finally got the new Gosh line, and they did! They didn't have the false lashes or the eyeshadow palette yet, and no idea whether they will get them or not. But! I did get the effect powder ^^ It's funny, I looked for it all over Tampere, and had to get it here. O__o 18 Bright and Black, all mine now. ^^
About the Neutrogena facial products I got earlier...I'm not too happy about them. I started out using the Blackhead removing wash twice a day every other day, and the gel wash in the days between, but quickly moved to using just the Blackhead one. My face isn't any cleaner, the blackheads are all still there and I keep getting spots just like I did before. =( It does leave my face nice and matte, just a tad too dry though, so I'm glad I have the moisturiser as well. That one is a keeper, it makes my face soft, moistured and not shiny at all! ^^ I got 3 natural facial bars in my Elegant Minerals order, and I tried one of them this morning. It's scented Vanilla & Oatmeal, and even though the smell is quite strong, it's still very pleasant. And the results were squeaky clean, quite literally! The other two are Wild Berries and Chamomile and Apricot, but I'll leave those be for now. I think I'll either choose to use the EM facial bar, or keep using Neutrogena, or maybe just mix both. It's hard to find a product suitable for my skin. =(
Oh, I did try the razor, and I don't think I'll end up using it too often. It does a clean job, but it also takes a lot of skin with it, so it leaves my brows sore and screaming for moisturiser. Quite unpleasant. =(
I didn't do anything special at school today, I focused on pockets and made practise pockets for future reference. I think I'll spend Wednesday working on different zippers and collars. Then next week I'll continue with my clothes again. ^^
Saturday
We spent Saturday afternoon watching movies and playing around with makeup, trying to choose what kind of look we'd do for the evening. You can see I got kinda bored...
Our movies were themed with superheroes, and I got really anxious, cause I finally watched Spiderman 3. Spiderman used to be my favourite superhero, based on the comics I'd read, but after the movies...he repulses me. And it's sad to have that effect from your childhood hero. =( Iron Man was a really cool movie, but then again, it was my first contact with the hero, so I can't really compare it to anything. With the new Batman movies I'm leaning more towards Mr. Wayne now, even though the growling voice thing is ridiculous... Also, our host was playing a PS3 Batman game on Thursday evening, and it was really cool, dark and violent, so that effected the whole Batman image I have as well.I went for sea-like makeup with my outfit, and used blue and green.
The colours came from Miss Bunnyhopp's palette, I think it's by BeautyUK?
I'm not sure though, but the colours are really vivid and cool. ^^
The eyebrows here aren't finished yet, just outlined.
The colours came from Miss Bunnyhopp's palette, I think it's by BeautyUK?
I'm not sure though, but the colours are really vivid and cool. ^^
The eyebrows here aren't finished yet, just outlined.
Still...it feels weird. My alltime favourite comic hero is Lucky Luke though, and I tend to avoid the cartoons, since I love the comics so much. ^^ It's the same thing with Dragonlance Chronicles, I absolutely refuse to watch the cartoon they made based on the books, since I really don't want to destroy the images I have for everything.After a few drinks my aim was kinda off...xP
Right, back to Halloween topic, and my outfit. Here it is! ^^ Miss Bunnyhopp lent me her brown pirate boots, but I couldn't find a hat. =( It's still cute, right? ^^
---Pictures added to Sunday's post.---
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