Thursday, November 05, 2009

I'm still standing

Today I thought that since I have this great urge to hurt myself, I might as well try to use it to my when the walls started collapsing on me again, I took bathing gear with me and headed out. I walked the long road to the sports hall, and hit the gym. I didn't tell Miss Bunnyhopp, because I feel like I can't take anyone's company right now...she's mad at me now, and I'm sorry about that, but I had to be alone.

I wasn't at the gym for more than 40 minutes, but since I haven't gone in so long I figured it'd be enough to make my muscles ache tomorrow. There's was this bearded guy who kept looking at me, and I really hope it was in a curious way as to why I looked like shit with my dirty hair, puffy eyes and no eyebrows and not because he found me cute like that. -__-

After the gym I went soaking in the steam sauna, and then hit the pool. I didn't swim for very long either, the warm pool with the massaging waterfalls was reserved so I couldn't get there, which bummed me out. I could really use a massage right about now... I still felt like shit, so I went back to the sauna, realised I was alone and shed a few tears.

On my way home I stopped by the game store hoping to see a friendly face. I did, though not the one I expected. I chatted for a bit, and then went home. I stayed on my computer for a bit, and then went to bed. I ignored school completely, didn't even send my teacher a message. After maybe two hours I woke up and realised I hadn't eated anything. I still don't have any appetite, but I managed to eat two pieces of crisp bread (näkkileipä) with some water.

I had been texting with my ex and I asked him to meet me at the pier in order to say goodbye. Long story short - my eyes are even puffier now (I didn't know it was still possible) and I'm cold, but we agreed to do our best to remain friends. And I need that. I can't do this alone. I need my antidepressants back. I need help.

And I really, really hope this friend thing works out this time...he's still the person who knows me best, and one of my closest friends. I know it'll hurt like hell and nothing will be the same again. Which is why I need you guys to help me through the hard times...isn't that what friends are for?

P.S. I'm sorry for turning into such an angsty blogger, but seriously don't even know half of it...

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